Is Your Date A Player?

Wondering what your new sweetie’s motives are? Consider these 8 clues—they reveal your date is only interested in sex.

By Debra Kent

ou’re suddenly single after years of marriage, and you’re wondering how you will navigate the murky waters of modern dating—especially when it comes to sex. You may discover that the rules have changed or, more to the point, there really are no rules. The landscape has changed too, with the advent of Internet dating, chat rooms, and concepts like “friends with benefits.”

Whether you’re interested in casual sex or a serious relationship, it
Read the messages embedded in a profile.
helps to know what your date is thinking. We polled the relationship experts for clues that your date or date-to-be has only one thing in mind—and it’s not a long-term relationship. Here are the top eight signals that someone’s only interested in sex. Use this info to decide how you want to proceed:

Read between the lines
Online profiles can reveal much about a prospective date’s intentions, says Alyssa Wodtke, co-author of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. Watch for wording like: “Looking for a good time.” “Just looking for friends.” “Bored and looking for fun.” “Want to keep things casual.”

Be aware of too much interest in physical appearances
Someone who’s looking for a sex buddy will focus on getting an accurate physical description of you. “This person may ask for a photo that shows your entire body, rather than being satisfied with a head shot,” observes Maryann Karinch, co-author of The Date Decoder.

Let racy language register
This should go without saying, but for the sake of those rusty souls who haven’t been on a date since 1979: Someone who talks sexy wants to have sex, whether it’s in emails, on the phone, or face-to-face. “He has nothing to lose!” says Karinch. You can respond in kind, of course, but think twice if you’re hoping for a serious relationship. Also proceed with caution if your date is eager to share sexual histories or obsess on particular body parts, says relationship expert Nili Sachs (

Heed “let’s hurry up” tactics
Take note if your online prospect wants to meet you ASAP. A promising relationship often begins with emails, progresses to phone calls, and then — after you’ve learned a little (or even a lot) about each other — culminates in a date. “Someone who’s just
Where your date wants to meet up gives you lots of clues…
interested in hooking up is probably not going to spend time getting to know you,” says Wodtke. “What does he care how many brothers and sisters you have or what your childhood was like if all he wants to do is get you in bed?”

Take note of late dates
“The biggest sign that the date is headed to the bedroom is that the plans begin after 9 p.m.,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life and TV host of I on New York. “Even if it’s a first date, never meet for drinks after 9.”

Be wary of last-minute plans
You know someone’s looking for a quickie if he calls or texts you at 8 p.m., says he’s in the area and wants to meet in an hour. If you’re relationship-minded, the only appropriate response, says Puhn, is: “Can’t make it. If you’d like to make plans in advance for another night, let me know.”

Location, location, location
Let’s face it, some venues lend themselves to sex, others don’t. Are you meeting at the art museum or a bar… or his apartment? If someone invites you to his or her place on the first date, sex is probably foremost on the agenda. So unless you’re looking for a hookup too, decline the offer. “If he calls you again, he’s not just trying to bed you,” Puhn says.

Check up on eye contact
Eye contact — or lack of it — can signal your date’s intentions. Chances are they’re hoping for sex if, “instead of maintaining good eye contact across the table, they’re staring at your chest or your other body parts,” notes relationship coach Toni Coleman, LCSW (

The best way to find out whether someone is into you just for the sex? Insist on waiting a while before you go horizontal, Puhn suggests. “If the person sticks around in the interim, there’s your answer.”

Debra Kent is the author of the Diary of V book series.
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