“Why I Hate The Holidays”

One single writer vents about the lows (and even lowers) of going solo this festive season. See? You are not alone.

By Anna David

h, the holidays. Traffic is worse than ever, lines are interminable, my stress-inducing family is beckoning me home and everyone else has someone to take to their office Christmas party. That’s why it’s so tempting to relish in those woe-is-me-and-the-rest-of-us-single-people pity parties. Sure, happily coupled people can say it’s no big deal and to enjoy it sans date. But, hey, that’s because they don’t have to deal with, for starters, these six reasons I find single-dom particularly loathsome during the holiday months. Read on, see if you don’t agree with me, and let’s work towards finding our matches in 2012!

1) There’s no one to assure me that I’m not fat after I inhale the entire plate of chocolate chip cookies/box of truffles/foil-wrapped Santa.
There’s no doubt about it: I like to eat things that are bad for me, and I like it even more when I have an excuse. Though not a great one,
If I knew a guy who was presentable, I’d surely be dating him!
having so many more decadent foods around during the holidays makes me much more likely to indulge—especially when you factor in those awkward gaps in conversation when I’m stuck talking to, say, the halitosis-afflicted assistant to the head of HR at the office Christmas party. So I keep eating…and then don’t have a sweetie around to assure me that no matter how many mini pecan pies I’ve scarfed down, I still look just lovely.

2) Since I have no date for the office Christmas party, I get stuck talking to the most socially awkward person there (see above).
Of course, I could bring a good female friend, but then I might risk inadvertently “coming out,” which would be unfortunate since I’m not gay, no matter what Mom suspects is the reason I haven’t given her grandchildren yet. I could just bring a guy who’s presentable, but if I knew one of those, I’d surely be dating him. So I am sentenced to spend the office festivities listening to someone list all the many and wondrous features of the new copier that’s been ordered or how the new legal-sized file folders are going to improve my life.

3) The long lines and bumper-to-bumper traffic feel like a whole lot more work than they did when I had a boyfriend.
When I’m shopping for someone I’m gaga over, I can think, “It’s worth sitting in this back-to-back traffic to get to the yarn store with the 45-minute wait because he’ll love the
I’m not gay, no matter what Mom suspects.
scarf I make him more than life itself. And this scarf will communicate to him just how strongly I feel about him.” But how excited can any girl get about a present for, like, her sister?

4) My “holiday spirit” runs unfettered.
I’ll never forget the time that, caught up in the holiday spirit, I baked cookies, then decided to give them to a slew of random people whose help I’d appreciated over the year. One of my cookie recipients was the guy who sorted the mail at the magazine where I toiled. The reward for my random act of domesticity was several hundred winks and leers, which continued long after I explained that my cookie baking wasn’t a sign of a latent crush. At least if I’d been dating someone, I could have funneled all that home ec energy into doing something nice for him. (Pathetic, but you know it’s true.)

5) Having to answer the infamous “Who are you seeing now?” queries from random relatives.
Holidays mean interactions with everyone from Aunt Barbara to Grandpa Bob, and the interrogation process can often begin before I’m prepared. “You look good—seeing anybody yet?” a relative might whisper while kissing me on the cheek. Even though the queries have diminished with every year that passes (a fact I’m not sure whether to slot in the “good” or “bad” category), I never seem to have a response that suggests anything other than the fact that I’m destined to be the family’s freaky spinster with the 400 cats.

6) New Year’s Eve. Midnight.
Need I say more? So let’s get out there, get dating, and be happily coupled up come December 31st!

Anna David is a Hollywood-based sex and relationship columnist whose work has appeared in Details, Playboy, Razor, and Premiere.
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