Be A Finder—And A Keeper—Of Love

There’s a difference between finding and keeping—read this advice from a best-selling author and coach on how to get the best of both!

By Karen Salmansohn

know before I got hitched, I used to joke that if we all had a one in a million chance of meeting the right guy, I only had about two or three guys left to go out with. I felt like I’d dated nearly every eligible — and non-eligible — man in my city. We’ve all heard the old line that you’ve got be willing to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, and I was. (Actually, looking back, it wasn’t the frogs I minded kissing, but the pigs, dogs and so forth.)

Anyway... my point: It’s often difficult to find the right person—so when you do, you want to be sure that you’re not just a finder,
It’s always better to have a short bad relationship than a long bad relationship.
but a keeper. That you’ve got what it takes to keep the relationship moving forward.

I believe there are three differences between being merely a finder but not a keeper—and being a finder and a keeper when it comes to love. Let me share how to do both in three simple steps:

1. Don’t buy into that “Rules” thinking. I know a lot of women say the way to catch a man is to play games. Not me. (Unless it’s naked Twister—then I’m all over it.) But I believe if you use game-playing as bait, you lure in a game-playing guy. However, if you use “truth and open communication” bait, then you reel in the guy who eats that good stuff up. He’s the type that’ll swim the long-haul relationship waters with you—even when those waters get rough at times.

2. When the going gets rough, speak up! My advice is, always kill that little relationship monster when it’s a mini. Don’t wait for a niggling problem to grow large; smush it when it’s small. Oh, and that’s not just my opinion but John Gottman’s, a renowned relationship researcher and marriage psychologist. Gottman found in his studies that all unhappy relationships
My advice is, always kill that little relationship monster when it’s a mini.
shared one thing: One or both members of the couple thought it was better to adapt to a negative situation than talk about their feelings and repair the damage. A corollary to this: Always keep in mind a little ditty the ancient Ephesians once said, “Don’t let the sun set on your wrath.” (Or as I like to say “Don’t go to bed angry—because make-up sex is way too much fun!”)

3. Trust your gut. Know when the time has come to lose what you thought was once a great find. It’s always better to have a short bad relationship than a long bad relationship. I know what I speaketh of. I’m not only speaketh-ing from my own foolish errors in eros, but also as a stockbroker’s daughter. And the way you succeed in the stock market is the very same way to succeed in the love market. Don’t wait for things to totally plummet to disaster level before you get out. The sooner you get out, the less damage you incur, and the sooner you’ll get to re-invest in a better situation. My motto: It’s better to have loved and lost, then to live with a negative partner or nut-job for the rest of your life.

And there you have them—my three rules for finding and keeping love in your life!

Karen Salmansohn is a life coach and best-selling author of 27 books, including Enough Dammit and Even God Is Single So Stop Giving Me A Hard Time. Check out her site at
Related Articles

print send feedback subscribe to
What kind of relationship are you looking for?

Marriage—I'm definitely looking for The One.

I'd like a committed, serious relationship, but not marriage.

I want someone to have fun with—I'm not ready to settle down.

Browse singles in your area.
About | Your Privacy | Terms of Use
Contact Us | Advertise with Us | Become an Affiliate

Copyright 2011, L.L.C.

partner sites:  HSN  Citysearch  Evite  Expedia  Hotels  Ticketmaster  ReserveAmerica  Hotwire   LendingTree 
Entertainment  TripAdvisor  CondoSaver  TravelNow  ClassicVacations  LiveDaily  Udate