Top Sex Questions

Our resident sexologist reveals the most common queries she receives from men and women about their love lives—along with answers, of course!

By Sari Locker

Q: The guy I'm dating tells me that he gets turned on by dirty talk, but I feel stupid when I try to do it. Any pointers?
A. Don't worry; talking dirty doesn't mean you have to start reeling off a string of four-letter words like a porn star. One easy way to get the ball rolling is to merely describe what you're going to do to your lover right before you do it, as in, "I'm gonna unbutton your shirt now." Or, tell your lover what to do to you, like "I want you to kiss
Sexy talk can be simple: Just describe what you're going to do to your lover right before you do it.
my neck then move all the way down my body." To find words and expressions you'll be comfortable using, take a peek in a copy of Penthouse Letters or a book of erotic short stories like the annual Best American Erotica anthologies. They're filled with dirty dialogue that should give you some good ideas. The trick is to say things that turn you on—not just your partner.

Q: I like someone I'm dating, but we don't seem to have any sexual chemistry. Is it possible to create chemistry, or is this relationship a lost cause?
A. In the best situations, all you have to do is glance at someone and the two of you feel the magic. If that isn't automatically there for you, it is possible to create it, and here's how: Find a few little things about the person that you like, and then try to feel turned on by those things, rather than the person as a whole. Such as, "Ooooh, this person has the greatest eyes, and that really gets me hot." Your sexual feelings may grow from there. However, if after several weeks or months you're still not feeling it, then it's just not meant to be. Any good relationship should contain a hot sexual component (especially at the beginning), and no one should have to compromise. You deserve the whole package: compatibility and great chemistry!

Q: Help! I've had very little sexual experience and have started dating a woman who's very experienced. Should I tell her my situation?
A. Confessing to your lack of experience is probably a good idea, and here's why: If you keep mum and your performance ends up being sub-par, then she may assume that you're bad in bed
Confessing to your lack of experience is probably preferable to having her think you're bad in bed.
versus just inexperienced. By telling her, you and she can work together to discover what you can do to be a great lover. She may even get a kick out of finding out you're a sexual novice, since you come across as a nice guy who she gets all to herself. You can play up this angle by telling her it was your choice to not sleep around, explaining "I've had my opportunities, but I don't like having sex with someone unless it's serious." This statement will make her feel like a million bucks—and you haven't even hit the mattress yet! The bottom line is, wowing someone in bed comes down to feeling close to your partner, and keeping an open, eager-to-please attitude. And that's something you don't get from a plethora of sexual partners.

Q: How can I bring up the topic of using condoms with someone I'm dating?
A. This necessary conversation can indeed be awkward to broach: Waiting until the last minute is definitely not a good idea, but dropping a "safer sex" lecture into the middle of your dinner out can kill the mood. The best time is somewhere between these two extremes—for example, while you're making out on the couch and have pretty much decided you want to have sex with this person some time in the future. To keep the conversation from sounding too clinical, try throwing a compliment in there, such as: "I'm really into you and am pretty sure I'd like to have sex with you at some point. If we do, we need to use condoms. O.K.?" If your partner resists, claiming condoms are uncomfortable and that he or she has a clean health record, don't cave. Tell your partner "Sorry, it's a deal-breaker," as it should be. Anyone who's that cavalier about your sexual health doesn't deserve you.

Q: Is it true that men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women at 30? If so, should younger guys look for older women, and older women look for younger guys?
A. These stats have been bandied about like crazy but have little foundation in fact. The truth is that if you define "sexual peak" by your level of sexual satisfaction, then time is on everyone's side. Generally satisfaction increases with age, as men and women gain more experience figuring out what arouses them and more confidence voicing their needs to a partner. But the bottom line is, these are skills you can learn at any age. So, look for a partner you are attracted to, have things in common with, and enjoy spending time with, rather than focusing on age. The connection between two compatible people may bring all sorts of "peaks," so to speak, into your future.

Q: I have never had an orgasm during sex, although I can have them on my own. I am dating a guy I really like, and I want our sex life to be good. And are there things we can try during sex to have one?
A. According to the 2004 Durex Global Sex Survey, only seventeen percent of women have an orgasm every time they have intercourse. The reason? Simply, the mechanics of intercourse doesn't provide enough clitoral stimulation. However, there are ways to increase contact where you need it: namely, by having him alter his motion so he's "grinding" rather than thrusting. Or, try giving yourself a hand in bed—you'll be satisfied, and he'll find your take-charge attitude very sexy!

Q: My girlfriend and I just started having sex, and I can't tell if I'm pleasing her in bed. Is there any way I can get a better sense whether what I'm doing is working for her?
A. Many women are uncomfortable voicing their likes and dislikes in bed since they think it's embarrassing, or they fear that giving directions could hurt your feelings. So make it known you want some constructive criticism by asking her questions during the act. Since open-ended queries like "What do you like?" might leave her tongue-tied, consider giving her choices, like "Do you want it faster or slower?" You can also talk about it before the next time you have sex, saying, "I really want to please you in bed and I'm not sure if I am. What can I do differently?" This shows you're truly concerned about her pleasure rather than your ego.

Sari Locker is a sex educator, TV personality, and author of the bestseller, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. She has an M.S. in sexuality education and was the host of Late Date with Sari on Lifetime Television. Her website is
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