Ask Dr. Gilda-Where Are All The Good Guys?

One woman is out there mingling, but can’t find a suitable match. Can she turn her luck around?

By Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

ear Dr. Gilda,
I am divorced and 40. I need to work on my social life. I go to nice restaurants and sit at the bar, but I only meet heavy drinkers and alcoholics. Both online and at singles parties, all I meet are losers. How do I break my negative cycle?
– Sleepless in NY

Dear Sleepless,
I know you’re feeling impatient about not already connecting with someone worthy. But good for you for recognizing the need to work on your social life, for realizing your negative attitude is a detriment, and for reaching out to me! If you want to attract
People usually like people who are similar to themselves.
positive men, you have to be positive yourself. You know the saying, “Like attracts like”? In your “negative cycle,” of course, you’ve attracted “losers,” as you describe them.

Based on “like attracting like,” sitting on a bar stool, even in the classiest establishment, will attract people who like to drink, even if they are classy. Some of them will be able to handle their liquor better than others, but the thing they will all have in common is their enjoyment of liquor. Do you share that preference? Similarly, if you were to sit in a bookstore sipping coffee or tea, or at a yacht club, or at a sushi bar, you would meet people with those preferences. So decide what your own interests are in advance, since they will determine the surroundings you choose.

Still, I don’t like you sitting anywhere, waiting and hoping for some guy to approach you! There’s a difference between actively participating in a pursuit you love and sitting like a flower waiting to be plucked. When you are excited to be in an enjoyable place, it shows—and it makes you more attractive and approachable. You will also make friends with both men and women who share your interests. This will expand your social network in all directions.

This is how I suggest you proceed from here:
  1. Take some quickie courses in happiness, optimism, and positivism. Look at local universities, community colleges, learning centers and the like. Or do it on your own, with books from the self-help/self-discovery section of your local bookstore.
  2. Practice applying your new attitude daily.
  3. Enroll in some active hobbies you enjoy.
  4. Reach out to both sexes who share your interests. You’ll make new friends to pal around with—and they’ll have friends to introduce you to, also.
  5. Mingle, mingle, mingle—without feeling pressure to meet The One. If you limit yourself to hunting down Mr. Right, it will turn off men and also minimize your interests.
People do business with people they like. And people usually like people who are similar to themselves. So change from the bar scene to an activity scene. You never know the rich contacts you will make—not only for love, but also for career growth and friendship.

Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., has a private practice and is an associate professor at Mercy College in New York. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website ( and send her your relationship questions.
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