Ask Lynn-Men Never Ask Me Out!

Does she act too much like one of the guys? Is she too intimidating? Answers here.

By Lynn Harris

ear Lynn,
I have this friend that I have known for about two years. We have never really been close, but in the last month we have started calling, texting and meeting up more often. I really enjoy his company and have started to have feelings for him. However, I am not too sure how he feels about me. I think
I really enjoy his company and have started to have feelings for him.
that he just sees me as a friend. Last week he said that I am like a big sister to him. Should I even pursue this or am I wasting my time? I keep thinking that maybe by spending more time with him that he will eventually see me as other than a sister. When I questioned him about that comment he said that I took it the wrong way. I am very confused. What other way could he possibly mean? I also need help on changing the way guys view me. Every guy that I have had feelings for tells me that I am just like one of the guys and that I am very intimidating. What can I do?
- Desperate for some advice

Dear Desperate,
See, fellas? Guys aren’t the only ones who suffer from “always the friend, never the lover” curse. You know what I mean: There are guys who feel like they’re the ones women talk to, but not date. Guys who wish they could, once in a while, be someone’s boyfriend rather than hear about someone’s crappy ex.

Well, some women feel — like our letter-writer here — they have the same problem. They’re the “cute” or “cool” or “approachable” ones who, when approached, are often asked, “Who’s your friend?” or “Wanna play goalie?” So, Desperate, I understand where you’re coming from. You say they insist you’re “intimidating”—maybe you like to watch a game and pound a beer and hit a lay-up every once and again. Maybe you’re not demure and shy like women are supposed to
Here you will type what appears in the 2nd pull quote.
be (in the year 1751). In any regard, I don’t recommend trying to change anything fundamental about yourself or acting in any way that feels unnatural to you.

Instead, try thinking of it this way: Maybe, for some cosmic reason, you happen to be the kind of person for whom serious relationships start out as — and develop most surely from — friendships. Fine, but if there’s someone you like, don’t act like his friend. Don’t just “hang out.” Ask him out. Flirt. Suggest that you go to a movie (nothing with car chases) instead of the batting cages. Give him — whoever he is — a chance to see you in a romantic light.

As for this guy, let’s see. You took “big sister” the wrong way? What, he meant you were more like his cousin? Unclear. Chances are, though — and this is my gut — that his comment was a code for “I like you, but I don’t like you in that way.” Ow, I’m sorry. That said, unless it makes you crazy (which it might…), it’s fine to keep hanging out with him while you keep looking for the guy who, no matter what, will think of you not as one of the guys, but as one of a kind.

Lynn Harris ( is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (, of the award-winning website — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times,,, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via Your question may be answered in a future column.
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