How To Be Impervious To Rejection

If you feel you keep getting passed over by dates, try these tips for turning your luck around.

By Margot Carmichael Lester

ou date. A lot. But instead of getting another date with your match, you get rejected. A lot. It’s hard not to feel like a rejection magnet. And if that’s the way you feel inside, there’s a good chance you’re putting those negative vibes out there when you socialize.

“I had a hard-luck streak that was a mile wide and disappeared into the sunset,” laments Bob Verducci, a Boston bachelor. “I was convinced I was only
Congratulations! You are now one step closer to the one who is right.
attracted to women who had no interest in dating anyone. At some point, a close friend pointed out that none of the women who’d ditched me seemed right for me,” he recalls. “It was a real eye-opener, realizing that just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean they’re right for me.”

In truth, when you stop and think about it, rejection has its purpose. It’s just part of the process of finding the person who’s right for you at the right time. So while rejection hurts, it’s keeping you from wasting time with someone who isn’t The One. Easy to say, of course, but if you follow these tips, you’ll learn how to put this kind of thinking into practice, improve your outlook… and turn your love life around.

Adjust your attitude.
Though it seems counterintuitive, learn to be grateful that the other party opted out, says Nicole Glassman, founder of Your Magic Elixir, a New York-based social networking service. “If this relationship had taken root, it could have caused greater hurt than any rejection you just experienced. You were spared. Be thankful that the selection process was just made easier by eliminating one who clearly was not right for you. Congratulations! You are now one step closer to the one who is right.”

Expand your options.
“Try to see that the rejection is secondary to the experience,” counsels Rabbi Sherre Hirsch, author of We Plan, God Laughs: 10 Steps to Finding Your Divine Path When Life Is Not Turning Out Like You Wanted. “Each person we meet is an opportunity to grow and expand personally. You never know — while he may not be the person you spend the rest of your life with, his coworker might be. Who knows where each date can lead?”

Recognize the true pattern.
If you’re getting summarily dismissed and you think it’s more than just a bad match, look for a deeper pattern. “Look back at your last two or more relationships. Do you
When you change your own behavior, you’ll change whom you attract.
see any similarities in your and the other person’s behaviors and in what didn’t work and did?” asks Melissa Galt, author of Designing Your Signature Life. Chances are, you are attracting the same type because you are behaving in a consistent manner — and it isn’t working. Realize this and take action. Says Galt: “When you change your own behavior, you’ll change whom you attract.”

Acknowledge your own gifts.
It’s important to be clear about your greatest assets so you value yourself highly and go for appropriate matches. “Ask yourself what you bring to a relationship and why someone would date you,” Glassman notes. “If you can’t name at least five positive qualities about yourself, then this is your first problem. You need to appreciate your own gifts before anyone else will.”

State your intention.
To yourself, that is, and remind yourself of it frequently so you don’t settle. “I believe all things occur perfectly and for a reason,” says Lori Marcoux, cofounder of Seattle-based leadership consulting company, Extraordinary Learning. “When I am meant to be in a relationship, I will be. I want to be in a relationship for all the right reasons and not just for the sake of being in a relationship. I also prefer to be in a relationship with someone who is just as excited about being in relationship with me as I am being in relationship with that person.”

But perhaps the most important way to change your feelings of rejection magnet into love magnet is to keep hope alive. Think of the people you know who felt their situation was hopeless and then wound up meeting someone fantastic online… or in line at the drugstore. Or take a really big-picture view of things: “Judaism teaches that once God finished creating the world, He had a lot of time on his hands,” Hirsh says. “Since then He is busy making matches. God made someone for you. Keep going!”

Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer living and working in Carrboro, NC.
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