Think Positively and Find Love

Listen up, ladies! An attitude adjustment may be all you need to turn your love luck around.

By Chelsea Kaplan

eel like you’re experiencing a dating drought? If your love life hasn’t exactly been raining men recently, it’s your attitude that may be the culprit, say Dan Baker, Ph.D., and Cathy Greenberg, Ph.D., authors of What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better. In fact, they say the easiest way to date more is to refocus your negative attitudes about dating. Below, Drs. Baker and Greenberg offer their suggestions on how to do just that.

Old attitude: “I can’t find a guy anywhere!”
Dr. Baker: This attitude is a negative pep rally you stage for yourself; it suggests “I’ll never find anyone,” and it takes away hope. Try
Consider that it’s also his responsibility to
woo you.
reshaping that attitude into “I haven’t found a guy yet—I need to develop a different search strategy.”

Dr. Greenberg: I have felt this way many times! When I started thinking about this attitude, I considered how there were probably all of these great guys out there and wondered what type of person they might want to be with. Would they want to be with someone as negative as I was being? No way—and really, could I blame them? I then decided to shift my energy more positively towards the attitude that Dan [Dr. Baker] suggested and had much better luck dating.

Old attitude: “What would a guy find interesting, attractive and sexy about me?”
Dr. Baker: Focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses. Once you do that, you’ll notice that those positive attributes will attract others.

Dr. Greenberg: Look at one thing about yourself that you love—you may not have realized it because you are too focused on the negative things about yourself! Say, for example, “I am a great conversationalist; I can make people feel comfortable,” and start thinking that men will find you interesting because of these qualities.

Old attitude: “I’m not great at dating”
Dr. Baker: Women can try this instead: “I’ll become the best student of ‘maleness’ in the world.” Really study men—go in with an anthropological mindset. See dating as getting to know someone as opposed to being in the hunt for marriage.

Dr. Greenberg: Remember that dating is a two-way street—it’s not just you who is involved in the process. Instead of putting all the pressure on yourself to perform, consider that it’s also his responsibility to woo you. When you date, make people earn your trust, admiration and respect.

Old attitude: “What if I never find anyone/get married?”
Dr. Greenberg: Consider this new attitude: “If I don’t ever get married, that is not a problem.
Cross one bridge at a time.
I have a wonderful life, I have great friends, I have a great career, and a wonderful opportunity to do things every day with no boundaries.”

Dr. Baker: Cross one bridge at a time. First find someone you like and who likes you and hopefully it will progress into a relationship that may eventually end in marriage. Rushing things never results in positive outcomes.

Old attitude: “I’m a jerk magnet”
Dr. Greenberg: How about “I am a magnet for great people”? Replacing a negative word in your head will lead to your attracting more positive types of people. Think of who you want to attract and make that your new mantra—just make sure it is something you actually believe in.

Dr. Baker: There are guys out there who are sharks. They pick up on extreme emotional neediness, which this attitude suggests. Instead, think “What do I need to fulfill in my own soul so that I’ll pick someone from a strong position rather than a needy one?” Think of the best relationships you had—men or women, and how you forged them. That’s what you need to do to attract the right person.

Old attitude: “I’ll never get over my last breakup—it soured me on men”
Dr. Greenberg: Try this new attitude: “I am a good person who deserves to be loved and I deserve to find love.” If you shift your mental model towards the positive, you will draw positive things to you.

Dr. Baker: Consider how many hurts you have gotten over. You’ve withstood plenty of heartaches—remind yourself about that, because you will get over this, too.

Check out Chelsea Kaplan’s blog, “The Momtourage,” at
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