Oops! Sexual Bloopers

Think you’ve had major slip-ups or mood-killing moments in bed? Don’t worry, you’re in good company. Read these true tales of romance gone awry.

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

f you’ve ever had a night of romance planned but reality took a turn for the embarrassing, then read these tales. You will definitely find out that when it comes to cringe-worthy experiences, you are not alone!

Face off
“My boyfriend and I were having sex, I was on top and trying to balance myself gracefully. But somehow I ended up falling—and doing a face-plant right onto his forehead and nose. It really hurt, but we laughed hysterically.”
—Amy, Medford, NJ

“Just at the pivotal moment, he let out a loud yelp…”
Halllway brouhaha
“Several years ago, when I was working at my first job out of college, I went on a business trip. A severe snowstorm kept us cooped up at the hotel along with a collegiate field hockey team, whom we found hanging out in the lobby bar. After some drinking and flirting, I ended up in my hotel room with one of them. In the process of getting busy, we leaned up against the door—which broke and fell open depositing the two of us buck naked into the hallway. Making matters worse, her coach and teammates happened to be there to witness our clothes-free tumble. The next few moments were chaos: naked bodies, screams, and a lot of scrambling for cover. It was a snow day I will never forget.”
—Erik, New York, NY

Cat tricks
“One time on a vacation with my boyfriend, we stopped to spend one night at my good friend’s house. Well, she happened to own a particularly ill-tempered black cat that took a dislike to my man immediately. That evening we were in bed together, getting all romantic, and at the, well, pivotal moment, my guy let out a loud yelp. I panicked for a second until I realized that the cat had jumped onto the bed and dug its claws into my beau’s bare behind. Talk about the pleasure/pain principle!”
—Judith, Princeton, WV

“In the process of getting busy, we leaned up against the door—which broke and fell open, depositing us buck naked in the hallway.”
Sweat fest
“A little sweat while doing the deed usually means you’ve had a passionate romp. But there was this one time that I was having sex with a guy I’d been dating, and he turned out to be a profuse sweater. I mean, to the point that I could see the sweat dripping in buckets off of his face and down his back. It was like a slip-and-slide. Pretty soon I was lying in a puddle. My hair was drenched but the final straw was when his sweat dripped into my eyes. I had to close my eyes because it totally stung! I was so turned off at that point I soon called things off.”
—Sarene, New York, NY

Wet blanket
“So, picture this: It's an intimate encounter and I'm in the bedroom with this woman. It's dark, and my date woman reaches into her dresser drawer and pulls out a packet and hands it to me. We both assumed it was a condom, but by mistake she grabbed something else: A wet nap. I'm like, ‘ exactly would you like me to put this on?’ That kinda stalled things, although we did have a chuckle about it.”
—Rob, Toronto, Canada

Rash act
“I went back to my date’s apartment and we started fooling around. Just when we got to the point where clothes were being shed, he stopped and told me that he promised he wasn’t a freak, but had recently had a ‘skin condition.’ Even though it was gone and totally not contagious, he was paranoid about skin-on-skin contact. He then proceeded to put on a long-sleeve shirt and pajama pants, and pulled his, ahem, equipment through the hole in the crotch. When he saw to look on my face, he assured me that he had done it this way before and it worked fine! Needless to say, the mood was ruined.”
—Christine, Indianapolis, IN

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a freelance writer in New York, NY.
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