I am disabled and live with a relative. I met someone I really like online; we’ve emailed a bit and instant messaged twice. She suggested visiting me. I don’t know how and when to broach the topic of my disability. Also, I will need to let her know things she shouldn’t do so that she does not accidentally cause me harm when she visits. I don’t know how to bring this up into casual conversation because we have not had that many online conversations. I’m concerned about saying too much or having too many rules that will turn her off, but if I don’t say enough it could cause a situation that’s dangerous for me. Also, if I postpone meeting for too long, she may lose interest.
This is the first time I’m attempting to date since my disability has become this severe. It feels awkward to have to confide such emotionally charged information at the “getting to know you” part of the relationship. How can I keep her interested while still explaining my issues and needs?
– Hoping it works
Browse Local Singles at Match.com
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Your letter is a poignant reminder that meeting people online offers both perks and potential pitfalls. Perk: you can meet people (or, more to the point, let them get to know you) before they can prejudge you, or even dismiss you, because of your disability. Potential pitfall: The big tell — whatever and whenever it may be — becomes a big deal. Especially the longer you wait.
So, Hoping, I know it’s scary, but I’d tell her now. Now as in yesterday. You haven’t messed up by not telling her yet, but now it’s high time.
What do you say? Something like this (you fill in the blanks): “I would love for you to visit, and there’s something you should know about me before you do. I have [DISABILITY]. While this means I am not able to X, I am able to A, B, C and D. [HINT: You are focusing here on the positive, on your abilities without the dis-.] The only real concern is that there are a few things that could be a problem for me that I need to let you know about — but first, let’s hang on for a sec. I know this may be a big revelation. Do you need any time for it to sink in, or do you have any questions so far?” Take it from there.
Two things not to do: (1) Tell your whole life story, and (2) apologize. This is an aspect of your life, but there is also more to you, and with any luck, she will realize that.
Or will she bail? Harsh reality: She might. I’m not saying that’s right, I’m just saying that humans are often ungenerous about dealing with differences. They also may — out of understandable, though potentially horizon-narrowing, self-interest — choose to avoid a relationship with someone whose long-term companionship may require long-term care.
Still, she might not. She might stick around. It can happen; it does happen. The important thing to realize is that this woman in particular is NOT a litmus test for all other single females. There will be someone who is okay with your disability, even if it’s not this particular person. You will just need the strength and courage to keep at it. I realize that that kind of fortitude is a challenge, but do your best not to get (or stay) discouraged, my friend. The steps you’ve already taken show how brave you are.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
