Dating can be a pain sometimes. Fortunately, awkwardness and romantic angst are some of the best ingredients for comedy. Twitter is the perfect place to share a gimlet-eyed bon mot
about a bad night out or an absurd mini-riff on the state of modern love. Want some inspiration? Follow these hilarious tweets! They only need 140 characters to sum up the joys and horrors of finding a true match (or not) in the 21st century.
Our female Twitter contributors:
who has worked on Family Guy/American Dad
, musician, screenwriter and author of several books, including the international best-seller, Forget About It
and With a Little Luck: A Novel
, Twitter/Vimeo comedienne (@kristygee)
, Internet-based funnywoman, aspiring Glee
guest star and writer for Vice
, writer, producer, comedienne and star of the sitcom,
, actress, writer, producer and star of The Sarah Silverman Program
, blogger and TV writer (@KellyOxford)
These funny ladies — many of whom hail from Los Angeles and work in the entertainment industry — set the “funniest tweet” bar consistently high with their posts. See which ones below you identify with the most.
1. Do you sometimes get the sense you have little in common with your mate?
Don’t feel too bad, you’re not alone:
“You say ‘Stop telling everyone we’re dating,’ I say ‘Po-tah-to.’” — @MrsRupertPupkin
2. Need an efficient way to blow someone off?
Here’s a “one and done” option:
“If you have a good date, it’s nice to text them afterward to say ‘thanks.’ But if they were totally lame, it’s fun to text ‘unsubscribe.’” — @capricecrane
3. As long as you’re not too picky, give this instruction to all the potential matchmakers in your life:
“If it ain’t broke, fix me up with it.” — @meganamram
4. Need a little creative advice for making your nights out more memorable?
Follow Kristy Grant’s suggestion:
“Trouble keeping the conversation going on a date? Bring a hand puppet into the mix.” — @kristygee
5. Wondering why she broke up with you?
Consider Kelly Oxford’s take on the situation:
“When a guy gets dumped by a girl and says, ‘She had issues,’ I assume one issue was she didn’t like him.” — @KellyOxford
High-profile comics consistently bring the funny in 140-character form. Check out what Twitter pros Whitney Cummings and Sarah Silverman have to say — it’s the same things we’ve all been thinking about our own love lives...only better and funnier!
6. Looking to take your relationship to the next level?
Here’s some practical advice:
“Sending naked pictures of yourself to a guy is the new playing hard-to-get.” — @WhitneyCummings
7. Trying to decide what to wear on your next date?
Layering up is probably a good idea:
“Oh shivering girls in skimpy clothes, surely u can get someone to love you w/out being cold, no?” — @SarahKSilverman
But the ladies aren’t the only ones with a sense of humor when it comes to dating...
Our male Twitter contributors:
, Twitter-based celebrity with almost 36,000 followers (@Brain_Wash)
, screenwriter, comedian, film producer, and Oscar-nominated actor for his role in Moneyball
, “joke DJ,” writer, editor and actor for Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
, writer for the San Francisco Bay Guardian
and TV.com (@LouisPeitzman)
, television writer/producer for Family Guy
and The Cleveland Show
The gentlemen listed above are no slouches in the Twitter wordplay department, either. Check out the following posts by our funny men for a silly, surrealist take on modern dating and relationships.
8. Does the idea of commitment freak you out?
Mr. Won’t suggests looking on the bright side:
“Ladies, I do not fear commitment. It actually sounds awesome. You get to wear pajamas all day and I hear they put Zoloft in your applesauce!” — @Brain_Wash
9. Having problems getting over your ex?
Even the hilarious Jonah Hill does, too:
“It’s so awkward running into my ex-girlfriend. It’s come to the point where I find myself avoiding sitting in my car outside of her house.” — @JonahHill
10. Alone on a weekend? Don’t be shy. Let your followers on Twitter know exactly what you’re doing
and then it becomes a group date:
“Hope everyone’s having a fun Saturday night. I just searched for ‘bacon salt’ on Amazon.com, so that’s where I am.” — @LouisPeitzman
11. Does your dating life feel like a series of one-liners?
So does Alec’s, apparently:
“Went on a few dates with a girl named Pam. Didn’t stick.” — @thesulk
12. Having a hard time meeting a lady?
Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place:
“Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger, but she does hang out at the creek a lot, sifting through sediment with a metal pan.” — @douggpound
So, readers, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a hilarious dating experience or relationship quandary, don’t forget to tweet about it (just wait until your honey’s in the bathroom first!).
Laura Schaefer is the author of The Teashop Girls and Planet Explorers New York City: A Travel Guide for Kids
. She yearns to be a member of the Twitterati some day. For now, she’s content to tweet mostly about what she just ate for breakfast (follow her on Twitter @teashopgirl).