Dating can be a pain sometimes. Fortunately, awkwardness and romantic angst are some of the best ingredients for comedy. Twitter is the perfect place to share a gimlet-eyed bon mot about a bad night out or an absurd mini-riff on the state of modern love. Want some inspiration? Follow these hilarious tweets! They only need 140 characters to sum up the joys and horrors of finding a true match (or not) in the 21st century.
Our female Twitter contributors: Lauren Caltagirone, who has worked on Family Guy/American Dad (@MrsRupertPupkin) Caprice Crane, musician, screenwriter and author of several books, including the international best-seller, Forget About It and With a Little Luck: A Novel (@capricecrane) Kristy Grant, Twitter/Vimeo comedienne (@kristygee) Megan Amram, Internet-based funnywoman, aspiring Glee guest star and writer for Vice magazine (@meganamram) Whitney Cummings, writer, producer, comedienne and star of the sitcom,
Whitney (@WhitneyCummings) Sarah Silverman, actress, writer, producer and star of The Sarah Silverman Program (@SarahKSilverman) Kelly Oxford, blogger and TV writer (@KellyOxford)
These funny ladies — many of whom hail from Los Angeles and work in the entertainment industry — set the “funniest tweet” bar consistently high with their posts. See which ones below you identify with the most.
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1. Do you sometimes get the sense you have little in common with your mate? Don’t feel too bad, you’re not alone:
“You say ‘Stop telling everyone we’re dating,’ I say ‘Po-tah-to.’” — @MrsRupertPupkin
2. Need an efficient way to blow someone off? Here’s a “one and done” option:
“If you have a good date, it’s nice to text them afterward to say ‘thanks.’ But if they were totally lame, it’s fun to text ‘unsubscribe.’” — @capricecrane
3. As long as you’re not too picky, give this instruction to all the potential matchmakers in your life:
“If it ain’t broke, fix me up with it.” — @meganamram
4. Need a little creative advice for making your nights out more memorable? Follow Kristy Grant’s suggestion:
“Trouble keeping the conversation going on a date? Bring a hand puppet into the mix.” — @kristygee
5. Wondering why she broke up with you? Consider Kelly Oxford’s take on the situation:
“When a guy gets dumped by a girl and says, ‘She had issues,’ I assume one issue was she didn’t like him.” — @KellyOxford
High-profile comics consistently bring the funny in 140-character form. Check out what Twitter pros Whitney Cummings and Sarah Silverman have to say — it’s the same things we’ve all been thinking about our own love lives...only better and funnier!
6. Looking to take your relationship to the next level? Here’s some practical advice:
“Sending naked pictures of yourself to a guy is the new playing hard-to-get.” — @WhitneyCummings
7. Trying to decide what to wear on your next date? Layering up is probably a good idea:
“Oh shivering girls in skimpy clothes, surely u can get someone to love you w/out being cold, no?” — @SarahKSilverman
But the ladies aren’t the only ones with a sense of humor when it comes to dating...
Our male Twitter contributors: Mr. Won’t, Twitter-based celebrity with almost 36,000 followers (@Brain_Wash) Jonah Hill, screenwriter, comedian, film producer, and Oscar-nominated actor for his role in Moneyball (@JonahHill) Doug Lussenhop, “joke DJ,” writer, editor and actor for Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (@douggpound) Louis Peitzman, writer for the San Francisco Bay Guardian and TV.com (@LouisPeitzman) Alec Sulkin, television writer/producer for Family Guy and The Cleveland Show (@thesulk)
The gentlemen listed above are no slouches in the Twitter wordplay department, either. Check out the following posts by our funny men for a silly, surrealist take on modern dating and relationships.
8. Does the idea of commitment freak you out? Mr. Won’t suggests looking on the bright side:
“Ladies, I do not fear commitment. It actually sounds awesome. You get to wear pajamas all day and I hear they put Zoloft in your applesauce!” — @Brain_Wash
9. Having problems getting over your ex? Even the hilarious Jonah Hill does, too:
“It’s so awkward running into my ex-girlfriend. It’s come to the point where I find myself avoiding sitting in my car outside of her house.” — @JonahHill
10. Alone on a weekend? Don’t be shy. Let your followers on Twitter know exactly what you’re doing and then it becomes a group date:
“Hope everyone’s having a fun Saturday night. I just searched for ‘bacon salt’ on Amazon.com, so that’s where I am.” — @LouisPeitzman
11. Does your dating life feel like a series of one-liners? So does Alec’s, apparently:
“Went on a few dates with a girl named Pam. Didn’t stick.” — @thesulk
12. Having a hard time meeting a lady? Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place:
“Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger, but she does hang out at the creek a lot, sifting through sediment with a metal pan.” — @douggpound
So, readers, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a hilarious dating experience or relationship quandary, don’t forget to tweet about it (just wait until your honey’s in the bathroom first!).