Stock greeting that doesn't sound stupid -
Standard self-introduction including name, age, and gender. Indication that I'm new here and it's been friggin hard to meet people. Ongoing display of false confidence to avoid scaring off cool people. Tone of playful indifference that masks the bitterness and misery that accompany loneliness. Broad-ranging list of personal interests in an admittedly pathetic attempt to have something in common with other online daters. Haughty and cliched (but genuine) mention of disregard for all mainstream forms of media. Obligatory inclusion of specific cult-classic movie titles and possibly trendy underground rock group names. Deliberate smattering of expletives to offend and filter out prudes. End of paragraph.
Enthusiastic-sounding closing statement that ties everything together and gets to the meat of the issue: that I want to "hang out" with you as soon as possible. Desire to not betray reality and sound too desperate. Realization that even a little cleverness, tact, correct grammar, and spelling ability should be enough to stand out online.
Postscript (after you thought it was over) conveying a seemingly innocent confusion as to why my picture doesn't display. Smug assurance that no one will realize I used a 1x1 white gif so that search with "pic" would show up my profile. Annoyingly familiar statement indicating a trade of pictures is possible.
