Ladies, if you have always wanted to date a dark, handsome, dashing, movie star who will whisk you away to exotic vacations in private jets and Lamborghinis, I am your man--if you can resign yourself to a pasty, okay-looking, whatever half of dashing is, avid movie watcher who will whisk you away to one week-long vacation a year in coach class and a Camaro and look damn good doing it.
Like Obama, my parents divorced when I was a small boy. I spent my younger youth in cruel and unforgiving boarding schools where I was forced to read Descartes' Meditations and write sonnets in perfect hexameter on pain of ruler beatings. I struggled through my older youth in semi-poverty to become, at long last and against all odds, following numerous heart-wrenching montages, a self-made thousandaire with a blooming future. A recent, peer-reviewed study published in the New England Journal of Medicine estimated that I have watched over 200 hours of cute cat videos on youtube. I have, like, actual feelings.
Unlike Obama, I am not now, never have been and never will be: editor of the Harvard Law Review, a master debater, a Nobel laureate, or, you know, leader of the free world. As far as I'm concerned, the nuclear football is...an actual football....and the Federal Reserve is a form of red-faced bashfulness prevalent among freshmen senators.
The thrill of a first kiss or the passion of a third, the languorous convolutions of a stay-at-home, movie-watching cuddle session, and the bantering interplay of innuendos over fine cuisine on a Friday night are things that, let us say, with the right person, do not exactly suck. But that won't stop me from at least trying to bill by the hour, no matter how pretty you are.
If you date me, one day, I promise, there will come a time, when you start arguing with me over how awesome you're not, because I keep telling you how awesome you are.
I have dated many fashion models purely because they mistook me for the Pillsbury Doughboy dressed like James Dean and thought it was extremely cute. "I never knew a man could do so much with so little," is a thing many employers have expressed to me in vague astonishment, "but it is easily explained by the fact it takes you about five times as long." In school the one award I won was for "Most Improved Award Winner." I had not won a single award the previous year.
Well, that's about it. If you got all the way through that, you now know everything about me and there is absolutely no reason to message me at all unless it just all seems to crazy to be true, you pinched yourself and did not wake up, and you just need to verify the facts, Nancy Drew style, in person.
*kung fu fighting stance*
