Although I know this is the part where I’m supposed to charm you into believing that I’m the perfect woman, I’m not going to. In the spirit of truth in advertising, I thought it best to just be honest & highlight a few of what I have been told are my less stunning attributes. After all, liking the best parts of someone is the easy part; tolerating the rest is what usually makes or breaks it. Sooo… 1) I’m not blond, ditzy or high-maintenance & I don’t have fake breasts (all of which appear to be unfortunate preferences these days). 2) I’m pretty independent & was once dumped by a guy after I got a flat tire & fixed it myself instead of calling him. Despite that independent streak, I do love a good foot or backrub after wrestling with a tire-iron. 3) I’m more of a chick than a girly-girl; I prefer beer over foo-foo drinks, I don’t live on the phone, & I’m not fond of shopping unless I have to. 4) Sometimes I snort when I laugh, but only if you get me laughing REALLY hard. 5) I occasionally forget that brutal honesty is frequently just that - brutal. You never have to wonder what I’m thinking because I’ll usually just throw it out there. 6) I have a wild & sometimes profane sense of humor, as well as the occasional truck-driver mouth when provoked. 7) As much as I am capable of & enjoy the dazzling dress-up, I am inherently comfortable in a baseball hat & sandals or a pair of jeans. 8) I like to sleep in shamefully & astonishingly late on the weekends if nothing else beckons me. 9) I have a serious aversion to seafood & I’m DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO CATS (if you have one, sorry, I cannot date you). 10) I cringe when I read profiles employing the use of the cliches: “Life is too short,” & “Looking for my partner in crime.” Life isn’t short, actually, & any amount of time spent with the wrong person makes it REALLY long. And if you’re a criminal looking for a partner, why would I want to date you? It's far more probable I will turn you in for the reward money. 11) I will likely take you down like a Christmas tree in January during a game of pool & gloat about it while you sulk & make feeble comments like, “I let you win.” 12) I am completely lost on the practice of putting photos of landscapes, trucks, boats, pets (unless you're also in them) on a dating profile. Incidentally, if you are reading this & you happen to be an impressively literate flower, sunset, a slaughtered deer/fish head, a monster truck, or a pit bull, I wish you luck on finding your mate here. 13) I am innately suspicious of profiles without pictures; you're probably on a wanted list (see #10) . 14) I currently sleep with a large, hairy male with bad breath & an occasional humping problem, but I would gladly kick my dog out of bed for someone who is a better kisser.
As for your attributes: Clearly, someone who enjoys reading is desirable (for those of you who actually read this far in my gi-normous profile). I have an innate weakness for tall SWM in above average shape (is anyone else astounded by how many people on here really stretch the definition of “toned and athletic”?). You don't have to have a six-pack, but having the entire keg won't do either. More important than aesthetics is a guy with a gut-busting sense of humor who can make me giggle on a bad day & snaugh (snort-laugh) on a good one. Someone who laughs often & easily & is not readily offended or consumed by what other people think of him. Has anyone other than your mother considered you to be attractive? Would you make an arse out of yourself in public just to see your girl laugh? If so, give me a shout and we'll see if we can tolerate each other.