INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
An ecclectic mix of Hollywood WANNABEES fill the coffee shop. JEFF, 30's with Italian features, sits slumped in his chair staring a blank LAPTOP screen. DR. PHIL (50's), burly and balding, sits down at the table.
How's it coming?
I got nothing. Intros are the
It's easy. Tell a little bit about
yourself and what you like to do.
Just be honest.
Honest? Are you kidding me? Have
you seen the schmaltz the other
guys are writing. Long walks on the
beach? Looking for a soulmate? Not
once have I ever heard a guy utter that
kind of crap.
Of course you haven't.
Well that doesn't seem too honest.
Look, Jeff. There are two completely
different kinds of honest.
Jeff crumples his brow, confused by Dr. Phil's fuzzy logic.
There is "testifying in court"
honest. And then there's "trying
to get a date" honest.
I'm not sure I understand.
Here, I'll show you. Go ahead
and pull your profile back up.
Jeff clicks his laptop back to life.
Now try entering your height.
Five foot, six inches.
Are you insane?! You may as
well just join the priesthood
But that's my height.
Not if you plan on dating. You'll be
left off 99% of the search queries.
How about 5'11"?
That's more like it. Now what's
your headline gonna be?
I was thinking about, "Looking for
Hot and Slutty-
No, no, no. That violates the "Two I's"
rule of online dating for men.
Immaturity and instability. Try again.
Okay. How about, "Looking For
Someone To Complete Me."
Now you're getting the hang of it.
Now what about putting in some
things like horseback riding and playing in the
rain. You know, stuff that sounds good but we'd probably never ever do.
It looks like my work is done here.
The two men shake hands.
(P.S. If you took any of this exchange seriously, we probably wouldn't be a great match)