Hello, Match! So this is my last month of Match.com, and I’ve met great people, but I’m not renewing. For the record, I have read some awesome profiles on this site—really, really funny stuff where I wish you had published a book so I could buy it and read it forever. But I’ve also read (as I am sure you have read) some not-so-hot stuff, too. For my last few weeks, I thought I’d share my list of things to avoid when creating a profile. I welcome your comments too! (Note: some of these "peeves" would not be so annoying or noticeable except that I've read so many of these things that now there are certain traits that jump out at me. My intention here is not to come off as angry or scarred--I really have enjoyed Match!--but just to share some things I've noticed and hopefully share a laugh with you-- I'm SURE there are things you've noticed, too! For example, one guy mentioned all the women do the duck face pout in their profile pictures. (I think I have a photo semi-duck-face-pouty.) So the list below is all in good fun. Except #7 and #8.
Top Unspecified Number of Match.Com Pet Peeves:
1) Profiles which include some form of “I work hard and play hard” or “I work to live, not live to work.”
2) Men who say they are looking for a girl who is “drama-free” or “Doesn’t play games.” Really?! You don’t like drama or games? This makes you different from every other person in the universe…how? Also, it’s insulting to my gender. It sort of assumes we’re all demanding, drama-crazed messes. And we’re not.
3) Really short profiles- how the hell am I supposed to email you when all I have to go on is “I’m loyal and fun-loving”? Please fill out this area. And don’t waste space with “I hate talking about myself” or “writing about myself is so hard.” Please. It’s not that hard.
4) The flip side of that: Read my profile, too.
5) People who start out their profile with something like, “I never thought I would do this,” “I got tired of the bar scene,” or “My friend talked me into trying this…” Let it go. I don’t care why you are using match. I’m on match. You insult both of us when you need to justify your presence on the site. Embrace the resource!
6) People who describe themselves as fun-loving. Shout out to all the fun-haters in the house! What? Nobody’s a fun-hater? Shocking!
7) Creepy, shirtless self-portrait photos taken in poorly lit bathrooms. It’s not sexy. It’s not hot. Stop it.
7) Seriously, STOP IT. (Note: I am not opposed to oogling a nice chest. Not even a little bit. I will oogle and I will oogle hard. But casually work it into a beach/pool/lake photo, not a photo you've taken alone in your bathroom. There's a knee-jerk "ew" reaction to that.)
8) Winks. Send an email, pansy.
9) Emails that say “Hey beautiful” or “Hey there” or “Hi” and that’s it. How am I supposed to respond to that? I don’t want to respond to that. I won’t respond to that.
10) Profiles that spend the bulk of the space discussing how important fitness and health are to you and go on and on about how you want a woman who is equally into fitness and health. BULLHOCKEY. I think this is match.com code for “skinny.”
11) Vague, cliche phrases that don’t mean anything: “a girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously” or “a girl who is equally comfortable in jeans or a dress” or “a girl who is comfortable staying home or going out", or, a personal favorite, "a girl who can be my partner in crime."
12) Lots of pictures of sunsets or natural landscapes that don’t include you or only you from far, far away. (Oddly, I am okay with photos of dogs, especially photos of you and your dog.)
13) Emoticons. (If you’re funny, I don’t need the smiley face to let me know.)
14) Ridiculously poor grammar or many, many typos. Especially in the profile, when you have an opportunity to proofread. You’re trying to impress people, right?
15) Not really an annoyance, but certainly a puzzle: has everyone in Atlanta skydived but me?
