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Active over 3 weeks ago

33 year old man
Chicago, Illinois, United States

Seeking:
women 18-121
Within:
20 Miles of Chicago, Illinois, United States
Relationship:
Never Married
Have kids:
No
Want kids:
Definitely
Ethnicity:
White / Caucasian
Body type:
Athletic and toned
Height:
6'3" (190cms)
Faith:
Atheist
Smoke:
No Way
Drink:
Never

 

ABOUT HIM & WHO HE'S LOOKING FOR

Look, before we know it, the two of us will be married, and you'll be running around in that uncomfortable, form-fitting dress I insist that you put on, chasing our litter of dysfunctional children around a 2 bedroom apartment, doing your best to fight back tears, so as not to smudge your morning make-up job, while I am holed up the bedroom allocating all of my time to playing SecondLife, connecting with an online family that I will one day leave you for. But before we spend the next 3 to 7 years talking about you, there are a few things about me I feel I should let you in on.

I never really knew my parents. I know what you're thinking, 'Here we go, another raised by back-alley cats dumpster-squatter, turned devilishly handsome, eccentric, self-made millionaire on match '. Not exactly, but close. I was born to a couple that to the best of my knowledge were on the up and up, however I have always had the most difficult time getting to sleep, and I scream most hours that I am awake - that is, I am a day-screamer, and so to put me to bed, a switch of chloroform would be fastened over my nose and mouth nightly until all was well. Subsequently, this led to abysmal memory development, lucid acid-tripesque nightmares, and a rampant addiction to Trichloromethane, so much so that by the time I could talk, my parents were flat broke and I was selling my body as trade to keep up my habit.

Around the time my voice had changed, a man came along who had a few particular quirks. He was a masochist, and very abusive, but he insisted on my sobriety prior to our 'lessons', thus I was strapped to a bed Ala Trainspotting for close to a week, until I was fully detoxed. It was then that he introduced to me his fetish of open-hand slapping various parts of my body and face, while I first learned to read, and eventually, as I educated myself out loud via a healthy library of textbooks he held onto throughout the course of his academia. "Facts for Smacks", he called this. A few things go without saying here. 1- My grammar still leaves much to be desired. I am well aware of this. 2- My Chloroform addiction would be replaced by a sweet tooth for reading to people as they beat me. Generally, I start the fights, and then begin my recitation as I am being stomped out. Fun Fact: The man mentioned above may have been the creator of Windows 8. Or not.This is currently all I wish to disclose with regard to my past.

I am an Aries through and through, until my Taurus moon peeks out, turning me into jealous, hoarding, a**. I clean, but not well enough that you wont have to redo everything I have touched. I sound like a camel when I sing. I wear stockings under my pants during holidays. Your friends aren't my friends, and my friends are letches. I know you mean well, and that will be the only compliment you will be paid. I sleep with a broom stick at night, and it would be preferred that you tuck the brush of the broom to your chest unless we are being intimate, which clearly, you will be expected to initiate. I might wear that old man mask. No, I will. Gak and Floam Fridays every week. One hand Gak, one hand Floam, and we rub our cheeks with it bi-hourly, until I feel sufficiently drunk and irritated from the smell and texture combination. I will change lights. I will kill spiders. I might kill the cat, but I'll try not to, no promises.

ALRIGHT, LETS DATE!!!

Interests:
Gardening/Landscaping
Sports & exercise:
Billiards / Pool
Exercise habits:
I don't exercise regularly
Pets:
Pet Essay:

Animals stink. If I could have an animal, I would have spiders, but they couldnt eat, and they would have to live in paper cages, because spiders dont smell, but their food and environment do.

Political views:
Some other viewpoint
Sign:
Aries
College:
I'll tell you later
For fun:

Bargain hunting, quoting myself, quoting die hard, pantomiming Macho Man elbowdrops on you while you sleep and then OHH YEAHH-ing until you're awake, feet worship, secret families, singing la bamba, Gak Floam Fridays, being there for you lolollolol

Favorite hot spots:

Despite being flooded with cash, sometime's nothing beats a spacious alley and a roof made from the Sunday paper. My match would find comfort in the scent of a fresh tire fire, and perhaps let out a little snort laugh to the rat nibbling at her toes.

Favorite things:

Questionnaires!
Q: If you like somebody, do you usually ask them out?
A: No, bag over the head, every time.

Last read:

.

ABOUT... HIM HIS DATE
APPEARANCE:
Height:
6'3" (190cms)
4'11" (149cms) to 8'0" (243cms)
Body type:
Athletic and toned
Slender, Big and beautiful, About average, Curvy, Athletic and toned, Full-figured, Heavyset, A few extra pounds, Stocky
Eyes:
Hazel
Black, Blue, Brown, Grey, Green, Hazel
Hair:
Dark brown
Auburn / Red, Black, Light brown, Dark brown, Blonde, Salt and pepper, Silver, Dark blonde, Grey, Platinum, Bald
   
LIFESTYLE:
Smoke:
No Way
No Way, Occasionally, Daily, Cigar aficionado, Yes, but trying to quit
Drink:
Never
Never, Social Drinker, Regularly, Moderately
Occupation:
Fashion / Model / Beauty
Fashion / Model / Beauty

I work at Equinox. Close enough.

Income:
$150,001+
Less Than $25,000, $25,001 to $35,000, $35,001 to $50,000, $50,001 to $75,000, $75,001 to $100,000, $100,001 to $150,000, $150,001+
Relationship:
Never Married
No preference
Have kids:
No
No answer
Want kids:
Definitely
Definitely
   
BACKGROUND/VALUES:
Ethnicity:
White / Caucasian
No preference

I would be remissed not to put tan. UHNGGGG!

Faith:
Atheist
Agnostic, Atheist, Buddhist / Taoist, Christian / Catholic, Christian / LDS, Christian / Protestant, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim / Islam, Spiritual but not religious, Other, Christian / Other

You can believe in whatever crazy specter you want, but if our kids mention the G/J word to me in a style that isnt entirely blasphemous, I'm handing them over to child services myself.

Languages:
English, Other
Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, English, French, German, Hebrew, Hindi, Italian, Japanese, Norwegian, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, Swedish, Tagalog, Urdu, Other
Education:
Some college
No preference

Streetwise. Otherwise I took a feminism course once to see what the fuss was all about. Turns out some people just dont like shaving.

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