Have you ever seen the Dos Equis ad with "The Most Interesting Man in the World?" That ad is actually modeled on my life. I'm currently engaged in litigation against Dos Equis for using my likeness without my consent. While it is true that even my enemies list me as their emergency contact, the part where they portray me bench pressing nurses in a bar is wrong. I actually did that on a beach in Miami.
As it turns out, not only am I the most interesting man in the world, but I'm also the most understanding. For example, I understand that you can't resist my profile and my sexy body. This is a completely natural reaction to seeing someone of my caliber on a dating site. I do have a lot of sympathy for the women I turn down. Unfortunately, I have to turn down A LOT OF WOMEN.
So let's get into your duties, should I happen to select you for the position of being my main squeeze. I don't do "women" stuff - EVER. A study published in the February issue of the American Sociological Review explains why men who refuse to engage in housework have sex 1.6 times more per month on average than those who did all of the housework. Of course, I could have saved the authors of this study a lot of time and money had they elected to interview me personally. When women get around me, they simply can't help themselves. I even caught one girl trying to clean my self-cleaning oven! How crazy is that?
One of the things the ads fail to mention is my penchant for video games. I play them religiously. Every day. All day. All the time. I have multiple level 90 World of Warcraft characters. This means on a Friday night, I expect my woman to have food prepared to sustain me through my multi-day gaming sessions. You'll also need to know how to shave a man with a straight razor, because I don't have time to be bothered with getting up from my gaming chair to mess with things like bathing, and I ONLY shave with a straight razor.
Laundry goes without saying. And since doing dishes is women's work, I have managed to save up quite a massive collection of dirty plates and glasses to keep you occupied during my gaming sessions. You'll also need to do some interior decorating. I live like a man, a Spartan man. There is only one piece of art in my house, a picture of my parents.
I'm also big into economics, philosophy and politics. I expect you to hold the same views as me. What those views are is unimportant, since you are going to be agreeing with me about everything anyways. However, I do like to talk about those subjects incessantly, so it's better if you enjoy listening to men talk about manly subjects.
I live with two dogs and a cat. The cat likes to chase string and a laser pointer. The dogs like to lounge on the bed and get tummy rubs. Occasionally they will fight with each other. My woman needs to attend to these matters when I'm busy with my gaming.
If you think you have the right stuff for the job, you probably don't. Women should not be in the habit of thinking.
A few of my favorite books:
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by JRR Tolkien
Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
The Jason Bourne series by Robert Ludlum
Human Action by Ludwig von Mises
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
The Electric Sky by Donald E. Scott
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress by Robert A. Heinlein
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Anything written by Michael Crichton
Anything written by Murray Rothbard
Anything written by Alan Watts
I'm currently reading The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda
Led Zeppelin, Rage Against the Machine, Samantha James, Oceanlab, JES, Deadmau5, Coldplay, Sting, Jamiroquai, and Radiohead.
Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, South Park, Game of Thrones, True Blood, Dexter, Homeland
One of my favorite quotes: "Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive."