Ever since I was a small child, I always pictured myself growing up and eventually joining an online dating site. Mainly looking for new, fun way to meet people. Moved here from the East coast after law school. Miss having big group of friends to do hoodrat stuff with. Enjoy grocery shopping, teeter-totters, reruns of Full House, and long walks on the treadmill. Other hobbies include yodeling and skinny-dipping. Once swam underwater for five miles to rescue a school of fish that caught on fire. Or, maybe it was orphans. Suffice it to say...I'm rather keen/splendid. Delight to behold. I have been known to eat food at least twice a day. Established a non-profit charity to educate blind mice on the dangers of mating while parallel parking. If you don't have at least one half-naked pic of yourself in the mirror, then we may not work out. Keepin it real!
Attracted to confidence, intelligence, and a positive attitude. Bonus points if you have a sense of humor and are athletic.
Not really into emailing back-and-forth 147 times about our favorite colors. Profiles sound the same. Tough to get a sense of chemistry by looking at glamour shots (...of your pets) and scenic vacation photos (...without you in them) and blurry, long-distance photos of groups of people...doing something...somewhere. If your closest friends and relatives cannot pick you out of a lineup (without the assistance of bloodhounds, DNA testing, and forensic evidence), then you may want to consider a different photo. Just saying. I get it. You love that photo...and the way your [insert: hair/eyes/smile/cleavage/outfit] glistened in the moonlight. You feel as though that particular angle/artsy/modeling sepia filter pic (of you in college...or second grade) reflects your personality and who you really are...on the inside...much better than your new haircut or the 250 pounds added by the camera in your more recent pics. Whatever. I'm down with the purple/pink hair. I'm cool with absolutely no hair. It's more about honesty than anything else. But, I digress.
Enough serious talk. Hopefully, I have scared you away. If not, we may actually get along. Just kidding. Maybe. No, seriously. Really. Kind of. Sort of. But, only if you want to make out on the first date. In the backseat of my car. At my parent's house. Next Thursday. And, by "my car," I mean my friend's car...that I borrowed for our date...because I figured you wouldn't be quite as impressed by my car...or the fact I don't own a car. And, by "friend," I mean someone I don't know very well...yet...or may never have met. And, by "borrowed"...ok it's stolen. There. I said it. You happy now? Honesty is so liberating. Did I mention license "issue"? Long story. You will probably think it's hilarious. Ok...maybe not that funny. Or, not funny at all. And, kind of sad. You don't mind picking me up, right? And paying? I thought everyone knew "entreprenuer" was code for "between jobs." Well excuse me! Didn't realize there was a law that required me to mention the word "probation" in an online dating profile. And, how could I know we would drive through a school zone? If bartender hadn't overserved me, you never would have seen my ankle bracelet in the first place.
My pics are all really recent and I'm totally honest about at least 37.5% or more or less of this stuff (except for any thinly-veiled jabs at bourgeois feudalism and the obvious jokes and all the flat out lies, of course). Or, I'm 5'5" and morbidly obese and voraciously lecherous. May even be known to wear a leopard print cape on occasion or a patch over one eye...or both eyes. But, not the pirate kind. More like the kind of patches worn by Swedish naval goats from time to time in the early 1830s during the Vietnam War in the Southern region of Ecuador. I walk with a limp...but it's a really cool limp...and it's only during the holidays.
