For your entertainment pleasure, here is a date that I have been on via the internet:
I made the mistake of giving my phone number to a girl a tad bit too early. When she found out that I am a stand up comedian, and that I had a show at the Comedy Store, she had to be there. She got insanely sloppy, falling on the floor drunk, and THEN showed up just after I got off stage. Right when she walked up, she walked straight to the bar and ordered 2 beers. Neither one of the beers was for me. She was rocking one in each hand. Anyone see where this night is going? Yea, I didn't either.
She was loud and belligerent during Bobby Lee's set, and had the worst laugh on the planet. She insisted that none of the comics were funny, and demanded that we leave. The comedians were funny. She was just so drunk, that she not only wasn't speaking English any more, she also, was not able to understand it.
So, we leave for the Saddle Ranch, which she insisted was the greatest place in the world. Its mmehhh. After downing another drink or two, she starts getting a little crazy. And when I say crazy, I mean she reached over and started grabbing for my "man business". I suppose most dudes would get excited about this. Slutty chick, super drunk, grabbing for the man business... nope. Keep in mind, this is the first time I have ever met her. Not only is she not as attractive as her profile made her out to be, but, I can't get over the fact that she probably does this all the time. And I think about how many man businesses she's reached for lately. Super gross. I feel like I'm hanging out with a hooker.
This would be hilarious to watch, if I were one of my 3 guy friends watching from across the table. They seemed to get a huge kick out of it. To make matters worse, and I suppose to patch things up with how uncomfortable she has now made me feel with the "20-times-reach-&-deny", she gets on stage to sing some Karaoke. Can you guess which song? The look on my face must have been priceless. "Something to Talk About", by Bonnie Raitt. Can you guess who she dedicated it to? Yep. Me. Please keep in mind, this is the first time that I have met her! Creepy. I think about her Google-ing me, in a dark room with peanut butter.
After she walks back up to the table, my three friends are in shock. One's jaw is on the floor, the other is smiling from ear to ear, and the third is absolutely terrified. He is convinced that we are going to get murdered. She senses the over-all displeasure with the group and insists on paying for everyone's meal and drinks. I haven't had a single sip of alcohol, and ready for this girl to be out of my life, I agree. Let her pay. I will never see her again. She hands the waiter her credit card. Declined. She hands him another card. Declined. After a quick phone call to the bank, she tries a final time. Success.
All of the sudden, she is gone. And we wait around for a a while, thinking that she went to the restroom. Nope. So, we leave. And as we are walking back to the Comedy Store, she comes squealing up in her car. She can't believe that I wasn't going home with her, and she kept screaming and yelling cuss words that would make Sarah Silverman look like a saint. She peels out and almost hits three cars.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Either my screening process is busted, or some ladies just don't show their true self on these sites. Be honest. If you have gained 15 lbs. since your profile was taken, change it to something more recent. If you are an alcoholic, let us know ahead of time. Don't just invite yourself to a guys' night out, and drive drunk in the process. And being psycho is not healthy. And take your meds.
Me, in bullet points:
Your mom loves me.
Your Dad is my best friend.
Your girlfriends are jealous of how sweet I am.
I never fight, because I realize how childish that is.
I'm happy and follow my dreams.
Now, it's your turn.