I am a perfectionist. Having OCPD is a blessing and a curse. I am loyal and honest; sensitive and loving. I am highly intellectual and enjoy the challenges that my career provides. I'm a planner and an organizer and I like to consider all the possible options.
I want to be completely upfront about having OCPD. OCPD is a personality disorder which, when not in check, distorts my perception (creates a dysfunctional view) of what is going on around me and a dysfunctional philosophy which can trigger feelings of failure, guilt, shame, anger, or frustration, directed at myself, which can trigger strong emotional responses and/or high anxiety in me. I am learning more about myself every day and am more aware of my limitations and triggers but I will likely never view a situation the same way as others do.
I care about how other people perceive me and I can misinterpret other's words and or actions if I am not careful. I am quick to respond, always have an opinion to offer, and my intensity and extreme desire to be liked and to fit in is frequently misinterpreted.
I am high strung and find it difficult to remain idle for any sign octant period of time. Many people misinterpret my inability to just play, just kick back and relax, just enjoy life as it comes, just act spontaneously, or just "go with the flow", - as being antisocial or over scheduled, rigid, or inflexible, when in actuality I am busy trying to find a justifiable reason to play, relax, act spontaneously etc. which usually defeats the purpose and my behavior and attitude feel unnatural or forced to others.
While attending the Hoffman Process in October 2012 I learned that I have to love myself first before I can truly love others. Now when I look in the mirror I can honestly say I like who I see. I have so much more love and affection to share with others.
I am coming out of a 17 year marriage; not by my choice. In dealing with the pain of being unwanted and unloved, I found myself questioning whether commitment, honesty, and true love really exists or if relationships and marriages are just a means to an end. I am looking for that special someone who can help me believe in the power of love again.
I am driven by intimacy and seek a deep, personal connection with my partner. I won't feel secure in a relationship unless my partner truly wants to understood my complexities. I want a partner who can move beyond superficial conversation and is willing to share and understand every bit about what makes me...me.
I love to give openly and always go the extra mile to please others, especially my partner. Being OCPD, I now recognize that I need constant and genuine acknowledgement and appreciation to feel valued and worthy. I promise to respond in kind and to understand and meet my partners greatest needs in return.
I am a good person and have many talents to share with the right person. I love having children around the house. I cannot have anymore children myself but welcome the opportunity to help someone raise their children, now that my daughter is grown. I have even considered adoption.
I long to be a part of a big, close-knit family again where there are nieces and nephews and people who look forward to spending time together on holidays. My daughter, always wanted younger brothers and sisters, which I could not give her. It has been a long time since my daughter has experienced any warm and inviting; traditional family holidays.
In spite of my being blessed and cursed with OCPD, I am an amazing person if you are willing to take the time to get to know me. I don't have a wide circle of friends, but those that I have are long-time, life-time friends.
If I haven't scared you off with my honesty, I look forward to meeting you.
