I am a divorced woman with a young child. About six weeks ago, I met a man online. He introduced me to his family and his kids, and they like me very much. However, recently I felt that I do not know where our relationship will go. We both want this to be a long-term thing that eventually leads to marriage, but our living and work arrangements put pressure on us. We both have demanding jobs, and recently he has been traveling almost every week. He is very considerate and seldom asks me to drive to his place as we live 50 miles away and my young son lives with me all the time. A few weeks ago, he learned that he might be asked to move to another city which is 600 miles away from where we live. Even worse is that it looks like he may be asked to work in Europe so that he can efficiently manage his team. He has been working for this company for over 25 years and leaving now would be financially detrimental for him.
My family only moved to this area six months ago. It took my son a long time to get adjusted to his new school. I enjoy my job and positions like mine are difficult to find in our industry. My guy and I love each other very much. What do we need to do?
-Over Before It Started?
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Your signature is correct: This relationship never got off the ground. So why are you trying to make it into something, after only six weeks?! You barely know this man. You met online, so it had to take a while before you began to speak on the phone and before you met face-to-face. Already, you’ve met his family and kids, but meeting people for the first and only time says little about how they really are — or how you’ll all get along down the road. Moreover, this man travels a lot, and you admit that your “living and work arrangements put pressure” on you both. At these very early stages, two people should be enjoying each other (without any pressure) as you discover each other’s traits.
You say you both agree you “want this to be a long-term thing that eventually leads to marriage.” Granted, you may both want a permanent relationship in your future, but in so short a time, you cannot know that this is The One.
Of course, after only six weeks, you now admit that you “do not know” where your “relationship” will go and how to get there. Duh! For starters, this is hardly a “relationship.” You say, “My boyfriend and I love each other very much.” How could he even be your “boyfriend” in this short time? Most importantly, you have a child to consider. Your son should be your priority, so if you’re contemplating following this man halfway around the world, stop right there!
Your guy must figure out the logistics by himself of where he will live and work. You don’t want to make permanent plans only to find that as soon as the bloom is off the rose, one of you blames the other for influencing this important decision that didn’t work out.
Get back to earth. Here’s how to decompress painlessly:
- Apply my “Whoa, girl!” remedy. As my Gilda-Gram says: “Take time to breathe. The tortoise can always catch up.” Slow things down and do the thinking required to help you realize that six weeks does not a relationship make.
- Enjoy your own life and live it to the fullest while this man works out his professional challenges. Your role can be a supportive one (as a great listener), but not an integral part of his decision-making. Do not have your happiness hinge on his decision.
- Don’t get your son involved in any of this. It’s too scary for a child to even think of being uprooted, especially after it took a long time for him to get adjusted to his new school.
- Be grateful that you enjoy your job and remember what you said: “Positions like mine are difficult to find in our industry.” In other words, don’t cast aside what’s working for you at this time.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., gives Instant Advice throughout the world via Skype, email and phone. She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website at (DrGilda.com).