All right, men, it's time for your homework assignment. If you want to learn how to sweep her off her feet, head to the bookstore. Don't stop at the newsstand or the self-help section. You're heading for the aisle that exists unknown to men, a dimension of sensual touch and whispered nothings, you're heading for — the romance shelf.

I realize I just lost half of you, but for the courageous few among you willing to sacrifice your manly pride on the altar of your love's adoration — bear with me. Even if your girlfriend majored in Russian literature, or has read Chuck Palahniuk's entire oeuvre, she's probably read a romance novel. There's a reason these seemingly simple novels sell millions of copies, and that reason will make you a man all her girlfriends will be desperate to steal.

First, do some advanced research. Go to her abode and seek out the most bedraggled and dog-eared romance novel you can find. In all likelihood, this is the one she returns to time after time to relive her favorite passages. "Her favorite passages," you repeat eagerly. That's right — that's what we're looking for. You can thumb through the book looking for marked pages, but there’s a way to find that most adored of pages… the one that really does it for her. Simply rest the book's spine on a flat surface and watch as it magically opens to the most frequently visited page. Ah, the unexpected treasures gleaned from literary archaeology.
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So, now that you've found the sacred passage, read it and prepare to be surprised. It may not be what you'd expect. Oftentimes, it won't even feature any action, per se — it may just be a scene of the two lovers talking. Read what they're saying and you may discover a hidden insight into your lady's most romantic dreams. Continue for several pages to see how things develop and be sure to take note of everything the guy with the bronzed muscles and flowing locks of tousled hair does. When things simmer down, scan the pages for any other chapters that look well thumbed, and remember: Romance novels are secret instructions to women indicating what they should expect from a proper relationship! Now that you know what she's interested in, it's time for a little more research. Go to the bookstore and ask the bookseller to show you which of the books written by your girl's favorite novelist sells the best. Buy a couple and skim through them for passages similar to what you found in your earlier research.

Even if you're not quite the image of the fellow on the cover, she'll appreciate your efforts and you’ll make her the envy of her friends when you lavish your romantic advances upon her. Now, armed with your secret knowledge of her printed fantasies, you can make her feel like one of the heaving-bosomed beauties on the cover as you take her in your rippling arms and… well, you get the idea.