After a tragic loss, two people find themselves drawn together. Is this a good idea? Here, advice.
By Lynn Harris ear Lynn,
I recently started seeing a guy whom I’ve known for at least six years. When we met he was seeing my friend who has now passed away from cancer. Since her death, we have become very close; however, we also have another friend who was best friends with the deceased and she seems upset by the fact that we like each other and are becoming romantic. Please
I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her.
let me know what you think of the situation and whether I should continue to further my relationship with him.
– Do I have to lose him, too?
Dear Do I,
First of all, I’m so sorry about your friend. Really, no one should die from — or lose anyone to — anything but nice, ripe old age.
I also, of course, feel for your potential squeeze (who lost his girlfriend) and the middle-woman you mention, who lost her best friend. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her. I can imagine that, even after some time has passed, it also must be terribly hard for her to see glimmerings of romantic happiness arise from her best friend’s absence. Why might she be upset? Perhaps she’s feeling defensive: How can he just replace her like that? Maybe she’s feeling jealous and lonely: Sure, he can go out and find a new girlfriend; but what, I’m supposed to go out and find a new best friend?
No one can replace our friend; none of us will ever forget her.
Those feelings are understandable; they’re feelings that you both need to be sensitive toward.
That said, while she is entitled to her feelings, she has no jurisdiction over your relationship. You do not need her permission or her blessing.
Is there something you could, or should, say to her? If you think it would make a difference, and if things do blossom sufficiently between you and your beau, you could choose to sit down with her together or write her a lovely note — any means of sending her a message along the following lines: “We have all been through a great loss, perhaps you most of
all. We realize that our romance may feel weird to you. No one can replace our friend; none of us will ever forget her. But we also need to pursue, even as we grieve, our own happiness, and this is what we need to do for us. We know we will all honor her together in our collective memory.” This is not required, but if it feels right, it could be a nice gesture. You can’t control how she’ll respond, but at least you’ll know you tried to clear the air.
I’m giving you two the green light in principle, but proceed gingerly. Being ready to date again after a breakup is one thing; being ready to date again after a death is a challenge. Be conscientious, compassionate and patient. Assuming things work out, it’s nice to see the universe at work potentially turning a great loss into new love.
Lynn Harris is cocreator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning websiteBreakupGirl.net. She’s also the author of Death By Chick Lit and has written for Salon.com, Glamour and the New York Times, among other publications. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
ear Lynn,
Ask Lynn: Advice On Love… My friends hate my guy
