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This recent college graduate is feeling insecure after her friend broke her heart. Here, Lynn helps her regain perspective about what happened.
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I am a recent college graduate and I just turned 22. I have a full-time job and I live at home with my parents, whom I adore and who love me as well. I should be happy but I’m not.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. The guy that came closest to being a boyfriend broke my heart over the summer. We were friends for a couple of years until |  | | The guy that came closest to being a boyfriend broke my heart… |
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one summer night when he kissed me. We were hanging out and making out for a couple of weeks until I pushed him to find out what it all meant. I guess that was too much for him and he backed away and told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet two months later, he got into a relationship with another girl. Probably it was my lack of experience that drove him away.
I’m still hurting. It seems that wherever I go, there are people getting together, getting married, having kids. I feel so lost.
– KA
Dear KA,
Ouch. A comedian friend of mine used to do a bit about that, about how when people (in his case women) say, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” they really mean right now, when they’re talking to you. Because five minutes later, when she’s talking to that guy over there… yeah. Then, suddenly, she seems to be ready.
So, KA, of course you’re smarting. You had feelings hurt. And in your case, we’re talking about the only guy, as far as you tell it, who even made it anywhere onto the boyfriend ball field. For him to bail must feel huge.
But it is not you — nor, more to the point your “lack of experience” — that “drove him away.” You two just clearly weren’t on the same page, and you called it first. You were well within your rights to raise the issue; it was brave of you to do | | | Plenty of people reach 22 without having had a boy- or girlfriend. | |
so, in fact! Arguably, “lack of experience” could have driven you to stay in this quasi-relationship, taking what you could get, not realizing that you could (and should) be getting a whole lot more (from someone else). So good for you. Your instincts actually served you well.
What next? We need to find you some more single people! Not only to date, but also just to socialize with, so that you don’t feel like the odd woman out. Can you meet people online? Can you meet people through church? (Maybe everyone there feels very married, but perhaps church offers other projects and activities, such as volunteer ventures, that mix you up with other singles?) Can you meet people via an interest of yours? Just some examples.
Also, about living with your parents. You are young, but I wonder if living at home contributes in some way to your feeling stuck, left behind, a single kid in a married world. If there’s any way you could start saving for a starter apartment, I bet that would go a long way toward your feeling like a single gal about town, in a good way.
That’s the thing. I know it doesn’t always feel this way, but single is normal; single can even be fun. The most important thing to remember, wherever you live, is that — though I’m sure you are very special — you are not some sort of weird special case. Plenty of people reach 22 without having had a boy- or girlfriend. (Plenty of people reach 22 having had several boy- or girlfriends and still not know what they’re doing.) There’s no password you don’t have, no secret memo you missed, nothing wrong with you. Your social life will blossom, I promise.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net—you can visit BG’s blog to discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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What’s your favorite way to spend Valentine’s Day? |
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71% |
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Dinner date with my sweetie |
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8% |
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Night out with friends |
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21% |
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Takeout & cable TV |
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