“Why Doesn’t He Want To Have Sex?”


“Why Doesn’t He Want Sex?”

The authors of Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex solve this mystery—and explain how to talk about this touchy topic.

By Josh Piven and Jennifer Worick

Q: I really like this guy and when we go out, we have a great time. But we only seem to get to first base. Make-out sessions are great, but how do I get him in my bed, not just on my bed? Does he have a low sex drive or performance anxiety, or is he just not attracted to me?

Josh’s solution:
First, a question. Where were all the women like you when I was still single? I spent countless hours trying to get women into bed, not just on it!

It certainly seems like this guy is into you, at least a bit, otherwise I highly doubt the two of you would be getting hot and heavy (or at least slightly worked up) in the bedroom. From your description of the encounters, it sounds as though you are definitely getting more from this guy than a peck on the cheek. So, the logical question is, have you made your wishes known? Have you, say, placed his hands on certain areas of your anatomy where you’d like them to be? Or have you placed your hands in a strategic location on his body—one that I probably don’t need to describe to you?

These man-euvers would be my first course of action. If you’ve already tried them, and he is still pulling away, then there are two possibilities. One, he doesn’t like you enough to go any further. This seems unlikely, however, since you’ve been out a few times and have great make-out sessions. Two, it could be he’s inexperienced. Strange as it may seem to you and me, there are still people out there who are not learned in the ways of love, perhaps owing to his religious beliefs, lack of opportunity, or both. Regardless, you shouldn’t take it personally that he’s shy about sex, but you do need to tell him that a few smooches are not getting it done for you. If you try all the moves described above and find him pulling away, then it’s time to have a heart-to-heart. Try saying, “I really like you, and I’d like to go a little further than just kissing,” and see what he says. In my experience, even those among us who save sex for marriage can be pretty creative and still have lots of fun between the sheets.

If he says that he’s shy/nervous about going any further, then tell him you understand, and go slow—keep those edible undies out of sight for now. Chances are, he’ll soon be begging for it and your problem will be too much sex, not too little. But if, on the other hand, he refuses to go further and you find yourself continually frustrated, then you’ll have to make an ultimatum: “Take me to bed, or take a hike!”

Jen’s solution:
Humor me: Think of all the time you have spent thinking about this man. You explored every possible angle to the situation, haven’t you? You’ve theorized ad nauseum about why he’s so skittish. You’ve strategized about how to get him to like you and then demonstrate that he likes you. Add up the minutes, hours, decades… Think of all the time you could have spent saving the world instead or at least doing something that made you feel luscious, like getting a Swedish massage from a hunky Scandinavian.

This guy could indeed lack sexual experience or a sex drive, but as difficult as it may be, if you’ve tried Josh’s tactics to no avail, you need to tear yourself away and move on. His intimacy issues or mysterious back-story just don’t matter. This situation will consistently make you feel bad about yourself (undesirable, unattractive, unsure, or all three).

Men like the one you’re seeing have been catnip to me in the past. Take Ryan, for instance. After a glorious make-out session in front of his car that resembled the finale to Pretty in Pink, I was giddy with the promise of things to come (so to speak). After months of sporadic dating and excuses, we had never advanced past first base and I wound up vulnerable, powerless, and obsessed with playing the right cards, rather than being myself (which, if I say so myself, is pretty luscious). I knew he liked me, at least as much as he was able, so I hung in there. But he never changed, and eventually I was forced to move on, wishing I’d done so sooner rather than later.

So instead of playing things out in your mind, take Josh’s advice and tell him how you feel. Just keep reminding yourself that you have nothing to lose, since you clearly don’t have him now. And who knows? He may not realize that he’s making you feel like day-old bread, because if you’re like me, you tamp down negative feelings and act overly breezy about it. If he’s not all that interested in you, you can put this puzzling relationship to rest and move on to something real—and, of course, to saving the world.

Josh Piven and Jennifer Worick are co-authors of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex;

*This column is for entertainment purposes only. It does not contain professional advice. The authors are not liable for any use or misuse of the information it contains.

Do you have a question for Josh and Jen? Send it to us—including your name, e-mail address and phone number in case we need more details. We reserve the right to edit your case and feature it in a future issue of Happen.
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