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Women Confess - “The Worst Turn-down I Got…”


Women Confess:
“The Worst Turn-down I Got...”


Our Match.com survey uncovers some of the harsher rejections women have ever received. Now an expert decodes them—and helps you understand what's really going on when someone is rejected.

by Caitlin Ascolese

en aren’t the only ones who get turned down for dates. Some women are confident enough to make the first move—and when they are on the receiving end of rejection, they learn just what guys have been going through for centuries. We surveyed female Match.com members and learned the worst way they'd ever heard, "Thanks, but no thanks." Then we took the results to Happen's straight-shooting communications expert, Lillian Glass, Ph.D., author of I Know What You’re Thinking. Here, she explains what the wording of a rejection reveals about the guy who doled it out, and offers support for those who've been snubbed everywhere.

"I met a guy at a bar who told me, ‘I don’t date women I meet in bars.’"
—Heather, 25, Ocala, FL


Dr. Glass: "He’s the biggest hypocrite! He’s acting like you’re trashy for being in a bar—when that’s exactly where he is. In a relationship, this is the kind of guy who might egg you on to drink a lot and then berate you later for getting drunk, or talk you into doing something you didn’t want to do and then say, 'I never told you to do that!'"

"The most ridiculous excuse I’ve heard was that my breasts were too big."
—Michelle, 38, Sleepy Hollow, NY


Dr. Glass: "Sure, men have certain attractions, but they don’t have to tell you what they are and make it seem like there’s something wrong with you. This guy is vulgar and insecure."

"One man told me I was ‘too nice’ for him." —Christine, 41, Paris, France

Dr. Glass: "He’s trying to make you right and him wrong. He’s not actually a bad boy—he’s just trying to think of a nice way to explain that he doesn’t feel any chemistry."

"The worst excuse I’ve heard is: ‘I like you, but I can do better. No sense getting your hopes up.’" —Cindy, 44, Redding, CA

Dr. Glass: "That is a hateful narcissist. He thinks he’s so great that he’s doing her a favor by talking to her. Her response should have been: 'You did get my hopes up—I hope I never run into another toxic, disgusting narcissist like you.'"

"He said, ‘The last time someone asked me out, it ended with her throwing a mug at my head.’" —Whitney, 28, Washington, DC

Dr. Glass: "He’s giving you a big clue about himself. Some people believe that patterns repeat themselves, and he may be doing things to guarantee that. This guy apparently provokes actual violence, and you have to ask yourself what kind of person he is if women are throwing things at him."

"One guy said he just didn’t feel like getting up and driving to pick me up."
—Sarah, 23, Denver, CO


Dr. Glass: "He’s a lazy bum who’s basically looking for a booty call—one that comes to him."

His excuse was, ‘I’ve got all kinds of stuff to take care of around the house. I’ve been putting it off for weeks, and I really should get to it.’" —Ellen, 25, Hollywood, CA

Dr. Glass: "This is the guy version of 'I have to wash my hair.' It comes across horribly—he means that he doesn’t think they’re a good pair, but he’s saying that his dirty laundry is more important than her."

"One guy said: ‘Sorry, but you misunderstood my intentions.’" —Linda, 49, Claremore, OK

Dr. Glass: "He’s making it sound like she’s wrong—blaming-the-victim syndrome. He seems to want the attention of being desired by a woman, but not the responsibility for things progressing."

"He said that although I was gorgeous, we wouldn’t get along because I’m a Virgo." —Shannon, 29, Phoenix, AZ

Dr. Glass: "Some people, whether you agree with them or not, live by astrology. And it’s self-fulfilling—if he thinks it won’t work out with you, he’ll find reasons to make sure it doesn’t."

"A man told me had a girlfriend—but I found out later that he didn’t."
—Lauren, 27, West Hills, CA


Dr. Glass: "He’s trying to let you off the hook gently, which makes him a gentleman in my book. He’s letting you know that it’s not about you and that he’s loyal and honorable—even though it’s to an imaginary girlfriend."

"I was into this guy who said he’d like to meet me, but was too busy at work to get away." —Judith, 55, Monroe, GA

Dr. Glass: "That excuse says, 'I come first, and that includes my work.' He’s so self-absorbed that he’s not even considering that she might have a job and things to do as well."

"He didn’t think my lack of sports enthusiasm was a good thing." —Jeannie, 49, Southgate, MI

Dr. Glass: "Some guys are so into sports that they need a mate to share the interest or one who won’t say, 'Why are you watching the game instead of being with me?' This guy has probably been there and back with women who aren’t into sports, and he’s right—it won’t work out."

"He said, ‘I have to take my dog to have its anal gland expressed.’" —Amanda, 30, Shrewsbury, MA

Dr. Glass: "That might be true, but he could have said, ‘My dog is sick’ or even ‘Its anal gland is giving it trouble.’ By picking a graphic, shocking way to say it, he’s testing her to see if she still likes him after he’s inappropriate. He’s a crass, vulgar guy."

"‘I’ve decided to continue the affair I was having with my married girlfriend’ was his excuse." —Laura, 45, Chester, VA

Dr. Glass: "He’s a sleaze-bucket who doesn’t want a commitment. Or he could be trying to paint himself in the most negative light possible to seem so unattractive that you won’t feel bad that he’s shooting you down."

"A guy told me he had an appointment with an Army recruiter—at midnight."
—Denice, 56, Rancho Cucamonga, CA


Dr. Glass: "He’s saying he’s a macho man and his country comes first. But he’s still got an ego, because even though he doesn’t want to date you, he still wants you to see him as a good guy."

"I was amused when someone said I was ‘too secure.’" —Gwen, 46, Menlo Park, CA

Dr. Glass: "A man who quakes in his boots at the sign of a woman who’s successful has a lot of mother issues he hasn’t worked out. It’s a sign of emotional impotence that could be physical, too, so she may have just saved herself from a bad sex life."


Caitlin Ascolese is a freelance writer in New York City who’s currently trying to come up with good excuses for two men who won’t stop calling her—no matter how many times she says she’s really busy with work.
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