10 Women Who Give Love A Bad Name

10 Women Who Give Love A Bad Name

Love can be a weird, twisted thing…especially in the hands of these fearsome females.

By Craig Stevens

According to Homer, this Greek hottie was Cameron Diaz, Halle Berry, and Heidi Klum rolled into one. But no matter how crazy in love she and Troy-boy Paris was, she should have thought twice about ditching her kingdom and letting her rival suitors wage a fall-of-civilizations war over her. We know men make bad decisions based on lust, but Helen, did you have to follow suit?

We don't doubt that John Wayne Bobbitt was a bad hubby. But maybe Lorena should have sought a separation, rather than separating him from his penis with a kitchen knife while he slept, taking the severed wiener for a moonlit drive and flinging it into a field. She blamed the act on an "irresistible impulse." Hey, Lorena, buying shoes on sale is an irresistible impulse.

The Vegas songbird may warble about matters of the heart more than any other pop star, but it takes only a few nauseatingly saccharine high notes, earnest facial contortions, and chest-pounding performances to figure out that she's really in love with the sound of her own voice. And let's not forget her and hubby Rene Angelil's over-the-top, Arabian-themed renewal of their wedding vows at Caesar's Palace. Camels? Belly-dancers? They had 'em. All in all, it's all just too over-the-top for us.

Talk about bad, bad choices. After three marriages (to singer Peter Allen, filmmaker Jack Haley Jr. and sculptor Mark Gero), she vows to never marry again—then embarks on her biggest train-wreck relationship of all to producer David Gest. Alas, the ink was barely dry on the license before she was accusing him of embezzlement and he was accusing her of getting crocked and beating him. Hey, maybe it's genetic: Liza's mom, Judy Garland, tied the knot five times. Let's hope if Liza says her vows a fifth time, there's a happily-ever-after ending.

This famous Peanut know-it-all is every prepubescent boy's nightmare. Honestly, we doubt Charlie Brown ever recovered from her sadistic invitations to "kick the football." The thing is, Lucy always gets what she wants—and, good grief, does she ever want cute piano prodigy Schroeder. So does she let up around him? Nah, she eliminates the competition by throwing his beloved piano into a tree. Five-cent psychiatrist, heal thyself.

This famously radical feminist has stated in her writing that "romance is rape embellished with meaningful looks." Not exactly the kind of person you want offering a toast at your wedding.

Wanting to look good for your husband is perfectly natural, especially if he's a younger Latin heartthrob like Antonio Banderas. But what's unnatural is just how hard she tries. Melanie has said, "I need to figure out, without anybody really noticing, how to keep my machine oiled and lubricated and tuned up and tightened." Hey Melanie: Antonio didn't marry a car, he married you—so quit stressing.

Devouring your mate's noggin as a post-coital snack? That's not cool, even for a bug.

Not only did this teacher sleep with her 12-year-old student, she claims she had no idea doing so was illegal. "If anyone had ever said, hey, this is a felony, there isn't any way that I would have gotten involved," she said in an interview after completing 7-1/2 years in prison. Lame excuse, we say, to this woman who went on to have two children by her student and is now engaged to him. Mary, couldn't you have just met a nice man who's of legal age?

You're a pretty little package, so innocent and sweet, offering us a wholesome snack treat for every occasion. How could we not fall sugar-buzzed head over heels in love? But when we suddenly can't squeeze into our favorite Dockers, where are you then, Debbie? Debbie?

Craig Stevens writes articles, and the occasional grocery list, from his home in Virginia. Before he got engaged, he was known to call love a few bad names himself.
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