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Ask Margot-He’s Lusting After Her…


His lady says, “We have to wait.” Here’s advice on how he can handle the sexual tension.

By Margot Carmichael Lester

ear Margot,
I’m a 20-year-old male with a (pretty understandably) high sex drive. I’m currently dating a girl that I am crazy about who is saving herself for marriage. The last three relationships I have been in were all very active sexually. The transition has been a difficult one, and is growing
There’s nothing wrong with desiring the flesh of the person you’re dating.
more and more difficult by the day. Being limited to kissing above the neck when previously it was “anything goes” has served to get me somewhat frustrated, and I have found myself lately having thoughts of cheating on her to get that sexual release and tension out. I’m not a shallow person. I don’t believe sex is an end in a relationship, nor do I believe that it is a vital part of one. At the same time, I have great difficulty knowing how to handle my urges and desires without pressuring her to compromise her boundaries. I want to respect her choice to save herself. Thanks.
– Blue in Colorado

Dear Blue,
First things first. What you’re feeling is normal. There’s nothing wrong with desiring the flesh of the person you’re dating. Don’t forget, before that awkward apple incident, Adam and Eve chased each other around the Garden of Eden naked as jaybirds.

So how does a principled gentleman like yourself reconcile his urge to merge with his desire to respect his lady’s wishes? Near as I can tell, you’ve got to bite down hard on that bullet, old chum. If she’s The One — if she is all that and a bag of chips — well, then she’s worth the effort of doing whatever it is you have to do (or not do) to keep your britches on, your hands where she can see ’em, and at least one foot on the floor at all times.

But how, you ask?

I have a lot of ideas, but I don’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities. So let’s concentrate instead on things you definitely should not do:

Do not seek comfort in the arms of another.
Cheating, no matter how “justified” it might feel, is never worth it. Oh, sure. You’ll get your immediate carnal hunger sated. But the gnawing pangs of guilt will rack you for the rest of your days. And, dude, that is no way to live. You’ll feel like crap for cheating on such a wonderful girl. She’ll know something’s up and thus spend her time wondering what’s up. And some day she’ll find out and all kinds of trouble will break lose.

Do not try to change her mind.
Respecting your lady’s wishes means not trying to get her to loosen them up. If sex is more important to you than you say it is (and I’m thinking it just might be), it might mean that you and
Cheating, no matter how “justified” it might feel, is never worth it.
your gal aren’t sexually compatible—now or later. But whatever you do, do not start working on her in that “please change your mind” kind of way. Instead, have an honest look at your needs and expectations—and discuss this topic together. Doing so may give you some release for your frustrations (though not the one you want). And it will help you both have a clearer picture of the role sex will play in the future of your relationship. If it doesn’t look like you two want the same things from your sexual relationship ever, and if sex is very important to you, I’m sorry to say it, but you should probably break up and move on to partners who share your values.

So here, in review, are your options:

Decide if this gal is The One.
And if she is, do the right thing. Commit all the way. Including not having sex with anyone until you’re married.

Decide if no pre-marital sex is a deal-breaker.
And if it is, do the right thing. There’s nothing wrong with making the decision to break up because you and your partner have different values. In fact, this is probably one of the only right reasons to break up.

If you choose option #1, the waiting won’t be fun. In Spanish, the verbs for “to wait” and “to hope” are the same: esperar. Waiting is negative. Hoping is positive. So try to wait with hope. This will help you remember that you’re on your way to something worth waiting for.

If you realize that you’re just trying to hold out but know you really can’t and maybe just don’t want to, well, in this case, option #2 is for you.

Either way, Blue, take a look at what you’re really feeling (besides frustrated), and then make your decision. Neither path will be easy, but ironically, both paths can actually be very positive if you choose to see them that way.


Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.
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