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Ask Lynn-Why Did She Disappear?


After a terrific first date, they’ve had no contact. One man wonders what he did wrong.

By Lynn Harris

ear Lynn,
Two nights ago I had one of the best dates of my life. Problem is, 48 hours later, I’ve not heard a word from her. I am 45, she is 35. She said she would love to go out with me, we exchanged numbers and she called me that very night. We talked every
I will not pursue someone who is not interested in me.
morning and evening for a week leading up to our dinner date. As the date was ending, she told me she had a good time with me and that she’d like to go out with me again in a few nights. I went home on Cloud Nine thinking that she was every bit into me as I was into her. I’ve not heard from her since. Having said this, I will admit that she may be a little out of my league on the outside; however there is no woman out of my league on the inside. I am sensitive, passionate, romantic and respectful. She led me to believe she was interested and then simply disappeared. I will not pursue someone who is not interested in me, and my assumption is this is her way of telling me she is not into me at all, even with what she told me during the date. What gives? I am so confused.
– Marty

Dear Marty,
Wait! Two days without word does not equal disappearance, especially for a woman. I know she was the one to call you the first time, but this time it’s possible that she’s waiting for you. She told you she’d like to see you again; now maybe she’s getting her coy on and leaving the ball in your court. So go call her right now, before you even read the next paragraph. I’ll wait.

OK. Now, I wasn’t saying for sure that she was head over heels; I was just saying for sure that you had to call her. So at this point, either you have a date, or you don’t. Or, most likely these days, you got voice mail, and you’ll get your answer later.

So while we’re here, let’s explore some possibilities. Is there a chance, God forbid, that she decided she’s just not that into you? Well… sure. That’d be terribly troubling, of course — who knows what made the date so different from your twice-daily (!) phone calls!? — but, sadly, it happens. And if so,
You’re “confused” here because you know you’re a catch.
I’m truly sorry.

No matter what, though, let’s keep your “league” out of this. Is she out of yours, on the “outside”? Well, if she had that snobby an attitude to begin with, she would not have called you in the first place or invested so much time on the phone. That should be the case even if you met online (not 100% clear from your letter), unless the photo you used in your profile was actually a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal.

Also, one thing I would recommend for the future is not talking on the phone quite so frequently before your official first date. Since so much depends on ongoing in-person alchemy — even if you originally met face-to-face — it’s kind of putting the cart before the horse, maybe even cheating yourself out of a little bit of thrilling mystery. (However, if indeed this bird has flown, I do not think that all your phone conversations were any sort of fatal tactical error, so don’t worry about that.)

What I am sure of, Marty, is that if this one’s not The One, you have what it takes to find — and keep — the one who is. You have appropriately high self-regard and a strong enough sense of worth to know when you’ve got to cut bait. You’re “confused” here because you know you’re a catch. If this woman doesn’t know that too, the next one will.


Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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