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Ask Margot-I Don’t Want To Sleep With Her


One devout man has to deal with some high-pressure tactics from the woman he’s dating… Here’s advice.

By Margot Carmichael Lester

ear Margot,
I’m getting some unwanted pressure from the woman I’ve been dating for a few weeks. I’m a virgin, she is not. I don’t care about that, but she seems obsessed by my “status” and constantly talks about how much she wants to “deflower” me. At first, I was flattered, but now I’m annoyed. I’ve made it clear
You’re leading this girl on, plain and simple.
that I don’t want to have sex until I’m married. And, honestly, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to marry her. But I like hanging out with her and I don’t like being single. Any advice?
— Chaste in Connecticut

Dear Chaste,
Brrrreeet! (That’s a referee’s whistle, in case you were wondering.) Taunting. 15 yards. Still first down.

I can’t blame you for trying, dude, but you know you can’t have it both ways. You’re leading this girl on, plain and simple. Now, I know what it’s like to be pursued when you’re holding out. I spent a lot of time in college dodging the advances of guys who wanted more than I was willing to give. I liked every last one of them, so I kept hanging out with them, even if they weren’t getting into my britches if they lived to be a thousand. I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

But you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20. And I’ve got to tell you that since that time, I’ve changed my mind about the whole “yes, but no” game. Here’s why.

Consider your side of the story
First, let’s start with what this situation does for you. Which is, actually, not a whole heck of a lot. Sure, you have someone to go out with so you avoid the gossiping of the ladies’ auxiliary and what not. And that might even be fun. But all the time you’re squiring this worldly lass around town, you’re missing out.

Why? Because you’re sending signals that you’re taken, even though you’re not. So gals who might share your desire to wait till marriage — and respect it — won’t give you a second look. As a result, you could be passing little ole Miss Right right by.

Contemplate her situation
Now, let’s talk about what it does for your lady friend. Which is, again, not much. You’re just stringing this woman along, and that’s not fair. Because no matter what your mouth is saying, your moves are singing a siren song she can’t tune out.

Any woman who digs a man goes through a stage (for some of us, it lasts years) where she assumes super-human levels of patience and believes she can
Neither of you should have to waste your time…
wait you out. This ability can reach epic proportions if the lady in question thinks she’s getting anything remotely resembling a green light from you.

And in case you haven’t picked up on it yet, your desire to continue hanging around her — although purely selfish — is giving her all the hope she needs that you’re going to give up, give in and, at some point, give her a ring. The situation’s even worse because you say you don’t see that ever happening.

Resolve the conflict
So here’s the scoop: Stop being selfish and break up with her. Do it so you both have a chance at finding someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do. Neither of you should have to waste your time — not to mention your chances — just because you’re not being man enough to tell her the truth.

Here’s how you do it:
  • Go to neutral territory. A park, a private room at church, anywhere you can have privacy.
  • Be straightforward. Start by telling her that you love spending time with her, and you’re flattered by her interest in you. But you don’t see yourself married to her and for that reason, you want to date other people.
  • Be rational. No matter how upset she gets, stick to your guns. Remind her that you both deserve to be free to date people with similar values, beliefs and desires. And breaking up allows you both to do just that.
  • Keep it short. Remember that you don’t have to explain any more than that. In fact, the more you explain, the more she can find to hold onto. Believe me, I know. I’ve done it myself. More than once. So keep your talk brief.
  • Don’t offer or agree to stay friends. Friendly, of course, but if you continue to spend time together, you’re only going to give her false hope. And that’s just plain mean. So tell her that it’s in both your interests to be apart for now.
This won’t be easy, but it’s the best thing for both of you. So man up and do the right thing. You’ll both be the better for it.


Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.
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