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Ask Lynn-Did She Read Him Wrong?


She slept with a pal—and now he’s cut off all contact. What’s going on?

By Lynn Harris

ear Lynn,
I am having trouble understanding how a guy I had been casual friends with for a few years could completely blow me off after one night of great sex.

The date before was wonderful, the sexual chemistry was great. I understand that one night does not mean any sort of relationship whatsoever. What I do not
I understand that one night does not mean any sort of relationship whatsoever.
understand is his apparently not wanting to even speak to me afterwards. I could’ve and would’ve been friends afterwards and been able to move forward as such. I am at a loss because I had known him and thought of him as being a good guy.

I am not getting over this, and it has been over two weeks now. I am hurt beyond words and angry with myself for being such a terrible judge of character. Please advise me how to move forward. I am not promiscuous in any way and had not been with anyone for a few years prior to this. It’s not so much about him as it is about my ego, which is beyond bruised.
– How Do I Stop Caring?

Dear How Do I Stop Caring?,
Don’t you hate that? You’re prepared to be completely, non-clingily cool in this situation, and you’re not getting credit for it at all. That is utterly maddening, to say nothing of unfair.

And, yes, hurtful. You’re the same person you were before you guys hooked up—so what gives?

Well, that’s where things get a little icky and unfortunate. The only thing that has changed since you slept together is this: Now you have slept together. At the risk of doing the fella a terribly reductive and facile disservice, it’s possible, just possible that — now that the “will she or won’t she?” question has been
I don’t like to believe it, but that’s what they tell me.
answered — he just, well, doesn’t have that many more questions for you. Sad and lame, but possible. People say some guys do this: lose interest when the “chase” is over, even if no one really knew a chase was underway. I don’t like to believe it, but that’s what they tell me. And given the facts at hand, I’m not sure what else to suggest.

Except this: There is no need to use the word “promiscuous” anywhere in your letter. Or mention anything about your sex life in general at all. Just for the sake of argument, even if you were “promiscuous” — whatever that really means — that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. Or that you are the “kind of girl” who doesn’t get a call the next day. That’s all hogwash. It’ll do nothing for your ego (to say nothing of your gender!) to think that way.

How do you stop caring? Eh, you don’t. It’s good that you do. You like a little intimacy; you’d like a little courtesy. You are not made of wood. And it’s good that you are trusting and able to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Just don’t let what happened mean something about you or your desirability. It doesn’t. (That’s why they call it “meaningless” sex.) It’s clear from your letter that you are cool, and hot, enough to recognize — and enjoy — both Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.


Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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