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Suddenly Single-Do I Expect Too Much?


A beautiful woman wonders why her new beau won't give her what she wants… expert advice ahead.

By Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

ear Dr. Gilda,
I am a 37-year-old very attractive woman. I have filed for divorce and bought a new place for my son and myself. Recently, I posted my profile online. I met a man who's 52 with two grown kids. We went on several dates over the next few weeks and found we had a lot in common. What bothered me was
You might be beautiful, but you sure don't understand men.
that it always had to be me to send an email or a text message to firm up our plans. After we slept together, I felt the need to talk to him about stopping seeing other people or hiding our profiles online until we see where our relationship was going. When I started the conversation, he made a joke out of it. He said we can see other people, but only have sex with each other. The conversation was going in circles. After I came home, I called him and raised the question again. I told him I was getting emotionally involved and I needed to know where we stood. He said he would think about it. Later that night, I sent him a text message saying we needed to finish the conversation that very night. He texted back, "I hear what you are saying, but sadly can't agree with it at this point." My reply back was, "We shouldn't see each other any more." Was I too hasty?
– Heartbroken Beauty

Dear Heartbroken Beauty,
You might be beautiful, but you sure don't understand men. As my Gilda-Gram says, "Men are hunters, and hunters need to hunt." They enjoy the uncertainty of the chase, and they get especially pumped by having to work hard to land their prey.

You say, "What bothered me was that it always had to be me to send an email or a text message to firm up our plans." Girlfriend, you've been doing the heavy lifting. You didn't even give this guy a chance to firm up plans, much less breathe, without you intervening. Then, within less than a month, you slept with this hunter and immediately followed the sleepover by insisting on a committed bond. That was far more carcass than he had set out to hunt. Even if a guy thought you were the most gorgeous woman on
Discover what you love to do and pursue it vigorously.
earth, with all that pressure, he'd run for them-thar hills. Stunning starlets get dumped all the time, but plainer gals who understand the hunt are forever pursued.

You ask, "Was I too hasty?" Your question refers to telling this guy goodbye. But you were indeed too hasty in giving up the goods so soon. For this hunter, as for all hunters, there was no longer uncertainty in the chase, and he just lost interest. I know, I know, the next question I always get in my seminars is, "Why do I have to play games?" That's the wrong interpretation of the hunter's psyche. Don't ever, ever, ever play love games! Instead, become so immersed in your own fascinating life that anyone who knows you will want to share your excitement. That's what keeps dudes bonded to women, not their superficial exterior!

Here's what I recommend you do now:
  1. Get over beauty as your currency and start developing your inner passions. Discover what you love to do and pursue it vigorously.
  2. Make friends with other women who share your interests and go out with them as often as you date men. Don't be over-invested in finding and "catching" a man.
  3. Play the field without trying to rush serious romance. Nature's hand doesn't tug at the roots to make its flowers grow. Everything happens in its own (and perfect) time.
Women who are interesting attract partners who are interested. If you're more intrigued by a man than he is by you, back off. Let him take the time to appreciate you for the prize you are, which you will be, once you contribute something substantive to the mix that won't fade over time.


Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., gives Instant Advice throughout the world via Skype, email and phone. She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website at (DrGilda.com).
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