Ask Dr Gilda-Should She Offer To Loan Him Money?
One divorced mom of two finally found her match, but the timing makes her think something fishy is going on. Should she offer to pay his bills while they figure things out together? Dr. Gilda weighs in…
ear Dr. Gilda,
I am a divorced 44-year-old mother of two sons, ages 12 and 8. I met this tall, handsome, great guy recently and I fell head over heels in love with him. He says he likes me, but he's not in love with me yet. He has been straight up about everything in his life so far. He was scheduled to move to another state to run a family business before we met, but he decided he wants to stay here now to give
our relationship a chance.
|We've got to give him points on that score!|
My guy had his electricity scheduled to be turned off at his home and had already quit his job here, but since he isn't moving, he now has to start the job search all over again. I have been dating him for a month now, so should I loan him a few thousand dollars to help him out? I figure this relationship has a chance only if I give him time for his feelings to develop, and if I give him space to work through his financial issues first. He is very open and honest about everything, but I am unsure if I should loan him money, as I am struggling myself. I really love him, but I am nervous. What should I do?
– Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
Goodness, girl, it's only been a month and you're ready to become this dude's banker! What do you know about him, besides his being tall and handsome? You say he's "great," but until you get to know him over time, you won't really know that. Thankfully, he's using the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line — except in your case, it's "I like you…" instead. I say "thankfully" because it's only been a month, and at least he recognizes that he must know you better before committing his emotions. We've got to give him points on that score!
How romantic it is that this guy put off his plans to "run a family business" so he can explore the chemistry you share! I'm sure this bowled you over. However, if he's truly going to "run" this business, as he says, how can the company afford his absent leadership for an indefinite period of time? Don't you find it a tad strange that this man can dismiss such an important career move for the sake of a woman he barely knows? Perhaps he's weaving a tall tale, or maybe he lacks ambition. You'll only discover this after a period of being together.
I also find it peculiar that he is so dismissive of his family and their alleged need for him in their family business, especially after plans had already been set. What you do know is that he must search for a new job from scratch and he doesn't have enough
money to sustain himself now. And all for the sake of a woman he just met? Sorry, but I recommend that you become more protective of yourself — and your sons.
|Let your new man-friend figure out how to proceed next with his issues.|
Are you lonely? You say you are struggling financially. The title of Chapter 5 my book, Don't Bet on the Prince!, reads: "Give from the Overflow, Not from the Core." You need the core of your money to survive and you don't have spare funds right now for anything else. So where's the overflow going to come from?
This is what I suggest you do now:
Let your new man-friend figure out how to proceed next with his issues. Meanwhile, keep learning more as you date this mystery man. As my Gilda-Gram advises: "If he's yours, you can't lose him. If he's not, you don't want him." Enjoy the excitement of being together without any strings attached before you plan a walk down a permanent aisle.
- You say, "He is very open and honest about everything." Are you sure? Right now, you should be "very open and honest" by telling him about your own financial struggles. I'm anxious to know this guy's reaction when you refuse to finance him.
- Ask him the questions I raised earlier regarding his willingness to dismiss his new job and his family. In fact, ask plenty of questions. You need to fill in some blanks here.
- You are correct about this: "I figure this relationship has a chance only if I give him time for his feelings to develop, and if I give him space to work through his financial issues first." As British novelist Douglas Hurd said, "It is not helpful to help a friend by putting coins in his pockets when he has holes in his pockets." You must find out whether your guy has pockets with holes in them… or not. Meanwhile, let him do his emotional work without your interference.
- And now, the final blow: A study from Cornell University published in ScienceDaily suggests that the more a man depends on his female partner for financial support, the more inadequate he feels — and the more likely he is to cheat on her! Girl, infidelity might be more than your kindness intends to buy in this situation.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., gives Instant Advice throughout the world via Skype, email and phone. She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website at (DrGilda.com).