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Your friends don’t need to know about every date you go on, but once you’ve got chemistry with someone, getting their seal of approval is crucial. Here, we explain how to make some low-stress introductions.
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By Jane Ganahl
 ’ve been swimming in the dating pool for many years now (roughly since the Pleistocene Era), and I know better than to brag about having a new beau too soon. But recently, on our sixth date, my handsome stockbroker, Jack, told me he really liked me and wondered if we might make a plan to go away for a weekend to Tahoe. Tahoe — only the most romantic place in California!
I took it as a sign: it was time for me to tell my friends that I’ve got someone new… someone special in my life. And in Jack’s case, I |  | | You don’t want to trot every potential new love interest past your friends. |
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wanted to wait until I knew we had some real potential. After all, my friends are mostly creative people, and he was a stockbroker. Hmmm, how should I bring this up in discussion, exactly? I wondered.
If you’re amongst the ranks of the unmarried, you’ve probably found yourself in this situation dozens of times. The questions are always the same: When should I introduce this lovely new person in my life to my friends and family? Is there a timeline I should follow? And when I do introduce everyone, how should I refer to this person and how should I act? Is holding hands or kissing OK, or is it too soon?
It’s time to take a new look at these questions. Things have changed since online dating created such a huge shift in how single people meet and connect with each other. Before it was normal to sort through 100 potential dates in one sitting (and go out with a few of them in one week), meeting people was not only harder, the dating process itself was much slower. The “when should he/she meet my friends” question was much more easily answered: after just a few dates, obviously, if there was real chemistry afoot.
But nowadays, with people sometimes preferring to date several people at once, the question gets a little trickier. After all, you don’t want to trot every potential new love interest past your friends; after awhile, they’ll stop thinking anyone is special. How many of us have made the mistake of introducing a new sweetie prematurely to friends, only to have the budding relationship wither on the vine?
When deciding the right time to mention your new romance to friends, you should consider a few things, including who to share it with and where you are in the context of your new relationship.
Lori Gorshow, dating coach at Dating Made Simple (www.datingmadesimple.com), cautions the newly smitten to remember that all relationships go through stages: “The first stage is all about physical attraction and infatuation,” she says. “This stage usually lasts one to three months. The end of the stage is marked with the decision to move dating into the second stage: pre-monogamous. During the second stage, you’ll start dating with some regularity. The third stage is marked with the decision to date exclusively (around the four- to six-month point). Knowing what stage you are in can help you decide when to tell your friends that you’ve found someone special.”
In other words, hold off on breaking the breathless news if you’re on your way home after your first ecstatic night together. Don’t confuse true lust for true love!
Gorshow also suggests factoring in the closeness of your friendships before you spill the beans. And, she notes, sometimes you have to tiptoe gently through a potential mine field of jealousy. “If you’re asked about your love | | | It’s OK show your affections in front of your friends. | |
life by a friend who’s not dating, it’s probably best not to brag about your good fortune. If you’re not sure how your friend will respond, don’t talk about it until you’re past the second- or third-month mark. If you’re asked, say that you met someone and you’re just getting to know each other, but it is too early to know where things will lead. Then change the subject.”
The exception, she notes, is when it comes to confiding in your best pal: “Soul-deep friendships are built on trust, so keeping secrets here is not a good idea. But you don’t want to be the person who cried wolf, either. So if you’ve met someone you’re fairly certain about, it’s OK to let your true friends know early and then keep them posted when asked.” Gorshow adds that it’s always best, even with your closest pals, to not include too many details. “Say less, and you will have less to explain,” laughs Gorshow. “Don’t be overly critical of your sweetie, as your friends will take their cues from you. Likewise, don’t share private information. You don’t want your friend’s first impression of him/her to be something embarrassing.”
So you’ve decided that this might be the Real Thing, you’ve told your friends, and now you’re ready to make introductions in person — not only because you want to include your special someone in your circle, but because, as Gorshow notes, “a good judge of someone’s character is how well he or she manages interaction with your friends.” What’s the best way to do it to achieve maximum fun and minimize awkwardness, then?
You might consider a dinner party, where you can invite miscellaneous friends over to help cook. Remember the “blue soup” incident in Bridget Jones’ Diary? Mark Darcy didn’t even realize the level of close scrutiny he was under because everyone was having so much fun. Because I help organize a monthly dinner party of creative folks at a San Francisco restaurant in my own life, I have used this event as a litmus test for my own new loves. There, I can toss significant suitors into the deep end of the pool to see if they sink or swim. (There have been one or two drownings. If you thought Bridget’s friends were intense, you should see mine.)
Other ideas to consider: a group hike in the woods, a sporting event, going out to hear live music, or after-work drinks at a casual watering hole. All of these options allow for easy mixing, mingling and conversation amongst everyone — and won’t put your new sweetie alone in the spotlight.
During a first meeting, advises Gorshow, “Introduce the person you’re with as your friend until you’ve mutually agreed that you’re seeing each other exclusively. And if you really like each other, it’s OK show your affections in front of your friends — just not to the point of needing your own room.” And if your new sweetie and your friends get along well, it’s full steam ahead! “This is a very big hurdle for a new couple to get over,” says Gorshow. “If it goes badly, it doesn’t necessarily signal the end of your relationship. But when it goes fabulously well, the future looks a lot more promising.”
Jane Ganahl is author of Naked on the Page: The Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife, editor of the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age, journalist of two decades, and codirector of San Francisco’s Litquake literary festival.
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How do you go from email to first dates? |
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46% |
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I try a phone call first, to gauge chemistry |
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21% |
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Instant messaging! The phone can be too awkward |
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32% |
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Easily, and it's best to meet as soon as possible |
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