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A widower learns that church members are interested in him but he doesn’t want to date yet—now what?
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By Margot Carmichael Lester
 ear Margot,
My wife died late last year after a bout with cancer. Many of the women at her church (I didn’t attend regularly) have been checking up on me ever since, and a few have made it known they’d be interested in dating when I feel it’s “appropriate.” The thing is, I don’t. I’m still not ready to be |  | | It’s perfectly natural to feel what you’re feeling. |
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with someone else. How can I let these ladies know that without being a jerk? And how will I know when I am finally ready?
– Wondering Widower in Washington State
Dear Wondering,
First, I’m sorry to hear about your wife. That must have been hard. I’m sure you have many happy memories of your time together, but that isn’t much solace when you’re feeling lonely and unsure of yourself.
Now, onto your conundrum. It’s perfectly natural to feel what you’re feeling. Honestly, I’d be worried about you if you weren’t feeling this way. The key is to make sure you’re not falling into a trap that many of us find ourselves in. Instead of honoring an actual feeling, we use the feeling as an excuse not to date because we’re afraid. Afraid of disrespecting our spouse’s memory. Afraid of what people might say. Afraid that we’ve been out of the game so long we won’t know how to play. Or just plain old afraid of rejection.
So the number one item on your to-do list is to check in with yourself to determine if you’re still feeling “not ready” or if you’re making up a reason not to try. How do you do this?
Ask yourself the hard questions
I turned to my good friend, columnist and novelist G.D. Gearino. His wife passed away several years ago, and he has been gradually and gracefully getting himself back into the romantic game. Gearino says it’s relatively easy to tell when you are finally ready. “When your loneliness becomes more pronounced than your sorrow, you’re probably ready to make a tentative step back into social life. But take it easy. A period of buddy-dating is wise (which is to say, no romantic overtures, just dinners and such). And when you’re ready for... well, you know, ideally you’d have a fling with somebody who accepts that it’s going nowhere, somebody with a Florence Nightingale instinct buried deep inside. Because the one thing that’s sure is that the first person you date after the death of a spouse is not the person you’ll be with permanently.”
If you’re truly not ready, tell these well-meaning women just that, | | | The key here is that you’re setting boundaries for yourself. | |
Gearino suggests. “Simply telling somebody that you’re not yet ready for a social life is gracefully simple and has the added benefit of being true. The only person who wouldn’t understand that is herself a jerk.”
Let yourself take baby steps
And if you figure out you’re making it all up? No big deal. Just be mindful of it and take some baby steps. Ask one of those ladies out for coffee. Or even just talk to an attractive gal in the grocery store. A few little successes and you’ll be on your way. The key here is that you’re setting boundaries for yourself. Of course you’ll be afraid if you think that the next woman you have coffee with will end up as your committed partner. But when you know that coffee is just coffee, you can wade in with less trepidation.
As it is with so many things in life, clarity is the key. Knowing you aren’t ready for a committed relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t ready to have coffee with someone. As time moves forward, your boundaries will, too. Gradually, and with great care, you’ll find your way to the kinds of companionship you feel most comfortable with. Just be honest with yourself. Be honest, too, with the women you see. Tell them where you are and what you’re ready for. Most will appreciate your honesty and will likely reciprocate with their own.
Moving on
At the end of the day, it’s just like my Granny Memory used to say, “You can’t hide from the truth. It’ll just come find you.” So dare to be honest, with yourself and with the women in your life. If you use your widower status to mask your fears, you really will end up alone. And that’s not what your spouse would have wanted for you, do you think? She’d want you to be happy and living a great life — even if it is without her.
No one will ever replace your wife. And if anyone tries, that’s a red flag to head for the hills because she will not be the (new) one for you. But it’s possible to find another romantic partner — when you’re ready.
Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.
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What part of your personality do you like to emphasize the most on a date? |
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5% |
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My sense of style |
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69% |
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My sense of humor |
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23% |
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My intelligence |
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3% |
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My vanity |
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