Ask Dr Gilda-Series of bad relationships?
Reeling from a series of bad relationships, one woman wonders how to move forward. Here’s advice.
ear Dr. Gilda,
I’m having a major run of bad luck. I had been married for 23 years when my husband said he was bored and didn’t want to be married to me anymore. It turns out he had been having an affair with a co-worker. A few months later, I met someone in the Air Force who was home on leave. I did not get sexually
involved with the new guy until a month after my divorce, and we married a few months later.
|Loneliness, distrust, anger, and jealousy are all obstacles to love.|
I know now this was a rebound marriage, and it ended four months later, after I caught him having an affair with an old girlfriend—to top it off, he got her pregnant! I did have one new relationship two years after my second divorce, and it lasted eight months, but he decided to marry a woman from his church.
Dr. Gilda, what is my problem? I have trust issues. I’ve pulled myself out of the whole dating scene and now whenever a man shows me the slightest interest, I wonder, “OK, Bud, what are your real intentions?” I do admit to carrying some baggage still—anger and jealousy towards my ex-husbands. How do I work through my lack of trust and self-esteem?
– Lonely In San Francisco
Loneliness, distrust, anger, and jealousy are all obstacles to love. There’s nothing wrong with you except that you didn’t take time between marriages to discover your identity as an independent woman. When each husband cheated on you, you internalized it as something wrong with you. You still felt inadequate two years after your second marriage, when you established ties with another man who chose to marry someone else.
From the outside, it seems that each of these three men cast you aside for another woman. But you played a role in pushing each one out the door.
Let’s backtrack. You never did the necessary work to discover what went wrong in your marriage. Why was your husband bored? Were you bored, too, after 23 years? Did either of you try to recapture the waning passion? Instead of probing these questions, you licked your wounds with a military man only a few months later. You married him as an act of revenge against the husband who
left you and as a way to bump up your self-confidence. Obviously, revenge-marriage can’t work because it’s founded on the wrong things.
|Distrust and shabby self-esteem make loving difficult.|
Good for you for pulling yourself out of the dating pool for now. That’s the healthiest thing you have done in a long time. But other actions must also be taken. While you’re alone, instead of complaining about your trust and self-esteem issues, acknowledge your past behavioral patterns. This is how:
You signed your name, “Lonely in San Francisco.” Are you lonely enough to make some changes now? If you are, the wonderful world of single life beckons you.
- Get into counseling with the goal of changing your “victim” mentality to that of victor.
- Learn how far back you have been feeling angry and jealous. Perhaps you had these feelings even before your first marriage—which may have impacted your marital derailment.
- While you can lay blame on your men for cheating, also examine how you treated each guy. As my Gilda-Gram says, “For love to last, you must be invested in your partnership.” Can you describe yourself as being “invested” or just being in each relationship? Just being is just drifting, and just drifting pushes a relationship to drift away.
- Everyone brings something to the party. Distrust and shabby self-esteem make loving difficult. That’s how you may have pushed your partners out the door.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., gives Instant Advice throughout the world via Skype, email and phone. She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website at (DrGilda.com).