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She Wants Kids, But You're Not Sure


There's a lesbian baby boom. Are you both on the same page?

By Analise Pendergast

t used to be that being lesbian and becoming a mom were essentially mutually exclusive realities. But nowadays, the lesbian baby boom is a documentable phenomenon, and lesbian couples with maternal instincts are happily going about becoming parents every day.

But if she’s certain she wants to have kids, and you’re not necessarily on the same page, what does
Communication and planning come with the territory of lesbian parenthood.
that mean about the future of your relationship?

The good news is that it’s virtually impossible for a lesbian couple to find themselves unexpectedly pregnant. Forethought, communication and planning come with the territory of lesbian parenthood, giving any couple ample opportunity to figure out if it’s really right for them.

If she’s relatively young and saying that someday, many years from now, she’d like to have kids, then you two certainly have some time to let the idea incubate. It could be that as your relationship grows, your own parental instincts will kick in, and you’ll come to share her desire to raise children. Or it could be that you two will ultimately part ways, and she’ll go on to become a parent with another partner, or even on her own.

But if she’s serious about becoming a Mom in the near future, then you’d better get serious about figuring out whether it’s something you want too. Seek out some individual therapy to help you get crystal clear about your personal hopes and visions for the future. If parenthood is not a good fit for you, now is the time to be honest and step aside. Even if you love her dearly, and it breaks your heart in a million pieces, the most loving thing you can do is to let her go and pursue her dream.
Parenthood is not a dream that can be delayed indefinitely.
Attempting to talk her out of it, or asking her to choose between you and her parental leanings is guaranteed to backfire and will surely lead to some serious resentment and regret in the future.

When a woman is certain she wants to become a mother, the desire is primal and deep. Parenthood is not a dream that can be delayed indefinitely, and the timing doesn’t always synch up conveniently with careers, finances or relationships. If you feel you’re not ready or not sure, don’t proceed into parenthood with only a half-hearted commitment. Accept that as much as you love her and as much as it hurts, you two are at different places in your lives and want different things. There are at least three futures at stake here: yours, hers and the child’s—and they must all be honored to the hilt.

But, if after much serious soul searching, you conclude that you’re ready to join her in becoming a parent, then by all means go buy some paint for that sweet little nursery—and may the stork be with you.


Analise Pendergast is a freelance writer who frequently contributes to Happen magazine.
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