Is Your New Guy A Sex Addict?
Going to rehab for “sex addiction” seems to be all the rage amongst cheating husbands these days. But what’s the difference between a cheater and an addict? Experts weigh in on this white-hot topic.
he news has overflowed lately with salacious tales of cheating husbands. Tiki Barber cheated on his wife of 11 years with a 23-year-old intern while his wife was eight months pregnant with twins. He said he felt disdain for his own cheating father, yet he felt compelled to repeat his father’s mistakes in
his own marriage. Jesse James’ exotic female tastes were “hot tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” as he advertised on the Internet — while Sandra Bullock, anything but the picture of these fantasies, worked far away from her husband and stepchildren on location. Jesse hasn’t spoken to his dad in years, but his father frequently cheated on his wives and girlfriends. By some counts, Tiger Woods bedded approximately 120 women during his marriage. (Perhaps he felt competitive with his own cheating father!) While each of these guys acted despicably toward the women they’d married, do they really fit the “sex addict” stereotype? What, technically, is sex addiction?
|Sexual addiction is usually accompanied by other addictions. |
Counselors say errors in judgment do not classify someone as sexually “addicted.” The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health reports that “sex addicts” comprise only 3-5% of overall the population. The official handbook of psychiatric diagnoses, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), doesn’t include a diagnosis for this ailment, although it is being considered for inclusion in the 2012 edition.
With the professionals themselves disagreeing on who is and is not a sex addict, how can a single woman assess whether the guy she’s dating will be faithful? Daniel Amen, M.D. reveals that if a man’s fourth finger is longer than his second finger, he is likely to stray. Dr. Amen also says that brain scans can identify who will cheat. While the finger test is easy, and some single women may be willing to pay for background checks on their dates, who would shell out the cash for a brain scan to get the real lowdown on someone she likes? Dr. Drew Pinsky, M.D., agrees that biological leanings do affect people’s behavior, but he stresses that childhood experiences also play a role. So the cheating dads of Tiki, Jesse and Tiger probably did influence their sons and their attitudes toward women, sex and commitment.
Researcher Arthur Aron speculates that a man’s level of commitment grows stronger depending on how much his romantic partner enhances his life. While this discovery won’t change an addict’s history (and altering addictive behavior is difficult), if an addict is dedicated to building an expanded future together with his romantic partner, changing his cheating behaviors may be possible.
Morris Halperin, Ph.D., adds that a sex addict is someone whose compulsive behavior prevents him from functioning in his own life. During their periods of unchecked promiscuity, Tiki, Jesse, and Tiger all functioned quite well. Halle Berry’s ex-husband, Eric Benet, and actor David Duchovny both checked themselves into rehab facilities for sex addiction treatment. Later, though, both men complained that they had been misdiagnosed. Both were able to sustain successful careers during their escapades. So who is a genuine sex addict — and who is just a very bad partner who struggles to remain faithful? And should the difference matter to a woman who is suffering with the fallout from a cheating mate?
Sexual addiction is usually accompanied by other addictions. For this reason, single women must be good detectives in regards to potential romantic partners. Seven years after her divorce, Naomi was ready to settle down. When she met Phil, she was impressed that he was a successful orthodontist with a huge clientele. She was also impressed by the way Phil wined and dined her. But hiding way beneath Phil’s cover of generosity was his compulsive spending problem. Naomi was too blinded by the baubles Phil bought her to even notice.
The pair was living in wintery Chicago when Phil announced he wanted to relocate to Florida because of his Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Naomi knew that Phil was on antidepressants. But she had no idea the real reason Phil wanted to move was that he was about to lose his professional license in Illinois because he’d been caught sleeping with his own patients. Afraid that Naomi wouldn’t go south with him, Phil proposed, asking her to become his seventh wife. Without question, Naomi accepted.
Just a few months later, Naomi discovered Phil was cheating on her with multiple patients. Shockingly, all of them were at least 20 years older than he was and grossly overweight. When she threatened to walk out,
Phil begrudgingly agreed to marriage counseling. During one session, Phil recalled being molested by his overweight mother when he was just a child. Throughout therapy, Phil realized all his dalliances were unconscious attempts to regain his mother’s love. If only Naomi had questioned his sexual history before they married!
|All exciting relationships are passionate at first.|
After that, the only thing going south was Phil himself. Five patients were suing him for sexual harassment, and his compulsive shopping issues put him deeply in debt. Naomi left Phil and their once-opulent life together and never looked back.
Can sexual addiction be cured?
This CNN report by Elizabeth Cohen warns, “If you continue your sexual activities even under threat of being divorced, dead, fired, or arrested, you’re an addict.” Phil was now 65 pounds overweight with a heart condition. He had also been arrested for hitting a patient who rejected his sexual overtures. His small-town neighbors snickered behind his back about his issues, and his dental practice went bankrupt. Phil’s therapist advised him to join Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.). Phil refused — and left therapy. He’s now living penniless and alone.
Unlike Naomi, Elle,* married for 14 years, chose to stay with her cheating husband. When Elle discovered her husband romping with women and men (to guarantee no emotional strings), they already had three young children together. She demanded he tell her everything. He fell, ashamed, into the fetal position, a far cry from the successful stockbroker’s air of entitlement he usually displayed to the world. He revealed that he was secretly working with a sex therapist because, like other sex addicts I interviewed, he hated his hidden life. Elle is still working to eliminate the “mind movies” of her husband engaging in sex outside of their marriage. Both of them continue to pursue therapy together, and he regularly attends 12-step programs. I asked why Elle stayed. Elle said she saw her mother get sober after 25 years of drinking, so she knew addiction can be overcome. She created the blog, www.betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com, to help support other women finding themselves in the same situation.
What is a single woman to do?
Elle tells single women to beware of three red flags:
My own suggestions for women who suspect their man may have a sex addiction include:
- “Frat boy” humor consisting of inappropriate comments
- Pawing at your body sexually, despite your objections
- Blatant objectification of women as only being useful for sex
All exciting relationships are passionate at first. But as my Gilda-Gram cautions women, “Just because he has you in his bed, there’s no guarantee he wants you in his life.” Know that the hormone oxytocin, also called “love glue,” may irrationally bond you to a lover and his passion, regardless of the hurt he may inflict on you. If you seek out dates that have the potential for true, caring mates, you may save yourself from broken heart in the end.
- Ask questions about your guy’s parents, their relationship dynamic, and explore any possible stories or memories he might have of early molestation.
- Check out the length of your guy’s fourth finger. I know, I know. Even if you’re skeptical about this finding, use the information as a guide nonetheless.
- If you’ve been warned about previous cheating behavior, question YOUR motives for staying with someone who will continue to cause you grief. If you need to, seek professional help.
*Name changed to protect her privacy.
Men, if you’re concerned about finding yourself in the same situation, read Is Your New Girl A Sex Addict?
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., gives Instant Advice throughout the world via Skype, email and phone. She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince!, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website at (DrGilda.com).