Is He The Wrong Man For You?
The authors of How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy will help you take a good, hard look at the person you’re dating and decide, once and for all: Is this The One?
s it just jitters or are your cold feet trying to tell you something? Seventeen years ago, Anne Milford called off her engagement to the wrong guy not long before she was due to head down the aisle. In the months after her breakup, all sorts of women began confiding in her with their stories — stories from those who’d broken off their engagement and, more hauntingly, stories from those who hadn’t and regretted it. Eager to find a definitive answer to the question, “Why do women marry the wrong guy?”, Milford teamed up with therapist Jennifer Gauvain to write How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide For Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life (Broadway Books), which is a must-read for anyone thinking of marriage. Here, the co-authors answer our questions.
What inspired you both to write this book?
Milford: Seventeen years ago, I called off my first wedding. In the months following the breakup, I was astounded by the number of women (and a few men) who confided in me that they wished they had
the courage to call off their own first weddings. They all stated, in one way or another, that “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.” I realized that maybe this was one of the reasons the divorce rate was so high — many marriages are doomed from the start because the bride and/or the groom already know it’s a mistake. And they get married anyway!
|I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.
I wondered why smart men and women would choose walk down the aisle into a marriage they already felt would be a mistake. I also wanted to figure out why I came so close to marrying the wrong guy myself. Even though my fiancé was a very nice man, he was not the right man for me. Deep down, I had known that from the very beginning of the relationship. Why did a smart and capable woman get engaged to the wrong guy? I knew if I talked to enough women, I would uncover a pattern.
Gauvain: When I met Anne, most of my clients were women who were desperately struggling in their relationships. I felt like I needed to do more to help these women who were finding their way to my couch.
So, what are the red flags that indicate someone is “marrying the wrong guy?”
Milford: Red flags in relationships are problematic actions, attitudes, and behaviors exhibited by your partner. But red flags aren’t always so obvious — they aren’t just “bad” behaviors, such as dishonesty or infidelity. Vastly differing beliefs or likes and dislikes are another kind of red flag (religion, jobs, parenting style, etc.). Whatever kind it is, a red flag should make you stop and think. These warning signs offer clues about your boyfriend’s character. Ignore them at your own peril.
In How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, we stress the importance of making the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. Why? Because red flags are different for everyone. Rather then spell out every possible red flag in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we want people to be able to identify what a red flag is for them. (Although we do go through a checklist of possible red flags: does your boyfriend have a lot of debt, does he have a healthy relationship with his family, does he have any friends?)
It’s up to you to make the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. We tell people that they can spot a red flag when it causes a reaction in their gut… or that little voice in their head starts to speak up. If something feels off, or it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s a red flag.
Why do women marry the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: After talking to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy, we uncovered the three most common reasons why they walked down the aisle:
There is temptation but at some point you have to discipline yourself and say, “So and so might have a fantastic body and be amazing in bed but he's not going to kiss me at 3 o’clock in the morning and say ‘I love you’—and right now that’s what I want.”
- They got caught up in momentum of the wedding; it was too late to call it off. Many women said that they were so caught up in the momentum of the wedding plans that it was too late to call it off. People incorrectly believe that once the date is set, it’s too late to stop it. Several women said they felt they had passed the point of no return once they received that first wedding gift or attended their first shower. A pile of beautifully-wrapped gifts does not have the power to keep you from canceling your wedding. You don’t want a set of wine glasses or a wok to dictate your future.
- Fear of publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake; shame, embarrassment. Countless women told us that embarrassment kept them from calling off their weddings. Openly admitting that you made a mistake is excruciatingly difficult. But we like to remind women that when that marriage ends (and it will), you will still have to admit you made a mistake, but this time it will be in a room full of strangers, a paralegal, your attorney and a judge. How’s that for embarrassing?
- Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding. Numerous women told us that they were so swept up with the wedding planning, the dress they already purchased, the reception venue that was already booked, etc. and that they did not want to lose all of that money. There’s no question that there are short-term costs associated with canceling a wedding. But there are many more very nasty, unpleasant and complicated long-term costs of not canceling. The fact is, if you cancel your wedding, you are going to lose some money.
How is marrying the wrong guy related to dating the wrong guy? Could online daters use the principles outlined in How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy to their advantage as they are creating their profiles and choosing prospects for their first and second dates?
Milford and Gauvain: Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy! Women of all ages settle in their relationships. They know the guy is wrong from the start, yet they remain in the relationship. Why do they do it? We discovered five reasons why women date the wrong guy:
We encourage women to really reflect on what it is they truly value in a relationship. Honor those values.
- Loneliness and insecurity
- Believing that the relationship is the solution to their problems
- External pressures to get married
- Thinking that “he will fix me” or “I will fix him”
- Ignoring red flags and gut feelings
As you complete your profile, be honest and truthful about who you are. Be authentic. Don’t try to be who you think Mr. Right wants you to be. If you embellish the real you, then when you do finally get a date, you’re starting off on a weak foundation. Trust your gut feelings about the guys you date. If he exhibits actions or behaviors that just don’t sit right with you, politely say, “It was nice meeting you” and leave. You might disappoint him, you might get frustrated, but if you don’t walk away when you first get that feeling… you start making excuses. Then that second date turns into a third and a fourth. Suddenly, out of boredom or trying to be polite, you find that you’re dating the wrong guy.
|These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored.|
What’s the difference between normal pre-wedding jitters and the legitimate cold feet indicating you’re about to head down the aisle with the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: Whenever we discuss having doubts about a pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms “jitters” or “cold feet.” They use the terms interchangeably. “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms get cold feet before the wedding.” We disagree. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake.
If you are nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues, etc.), you have jitters. If you have doubts about the relationship itself? Then you have cold feet. The following thoughts indicate cold feet:
These thoughts revolve around the relationship, not the wedding ceremony or reception. These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored.
- I feel like I am settling.
- I don’t like they way I’m being treated.
- I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
- I don’t think this person is going to make a good spouse.
- I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
- If I don’t marry this person, I will never find anyone else.
I bet you two get a lot of email. What kind of stories and feedback are you getting from readers?
Milford: All of the feedback we’ve gotten affirms that we are on the right track with this subject. People send in their “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle” stories every day.
Gauvain: One woman shared with us something her grandmother told her after she called off her wedding: “Better to be single and wish you were married than to be married and wish you were single!” We couldn’t agree more.
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed and a regular contributor to happenmag.com. Visit her at www.theopaulinenestor.com. You can learn more about How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy at www.coldfeetpress.com.