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He feels like ending the relationship when he and his girl disagree. Can fighting be a good thing?
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I must not understand how relationships work. After many years of being single, I found a girlfriend, but have broken up with her three times now. I see other couples in relationships and I just thought they were supposed to be easy. I bought into the “fairy-tale hype,” I guess you could say — that if you’re meant to be, there won’t be any friction |  | | I can’t stay away after each fight and subsequent breakup. |
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between the two of you. I didn’t realize that just because we fight, it doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. I have talked to friends of mine and they say they argue with their significant others and then move on. Sometimes it even makes things better.
We get along great most of the time and that is probably why I can’t stay away after each fight and subsequent breakup. How do I get through an argument without feeling like I’ve got to end things with my girlfriend?
— Felix Fairytale
Dear Felix,
No argument here: you pretty much already know what’s going on. You’ve fallen for the fantasy that “good” couples don’t fight, so when conflict (inevitably) comes up, you’re outta there. But your friends — as you realize — are correct. Fighting is natural, and it can even improve a relationship. Why? Because, when done right, arguing gets things out in the open, where they belong. When feelings don’t get expressed or issues go unexplored, you get the toxic buildup of contempt, which is much more corrosive than a good, clean fight.
Clean: that’s the key here. Experts talk about how it’s not the frequency of your fights (or even what the fight itself is about) but how you fight that matters. Are you airing your emotions, or showing scorn for your partner’s? Are you disagreeing with the position he or she is taking, or deriding your partner as a person? In both cases, the former is what you’re going for. (The latter two not only break the rules, but also suggest that a breakup might be in order.) And indeed, once you both simmer down — unpleasant though the argument may have been — you may find that you’ve moved to a new place | | | Those fights can part of a healthy, if heady, relationship. | |
together. (Side note: it is true that some couples have perfected the art of vicious plate-throwing slugfests that scare pets and wake the neighbors — and also lead right into equally passionate makeup sex. Those fights can part of a healthy, if heady, relationship. It may be a matter of personal style, but as fighting technique goes, it’s advanced.)
What you might want to look at for yourself is why you’ve developed this fear of fighting, this aversion to conflict. Maybe your parents fought a lot — the wrong way — or maybe they never fought at
all (at least, not where you were exposed to it). Either could feed your fight-free fantasy. This might be helpful for you to consider as you prepare for your next skirmish.
And for that next time, here’s your homework: just fight. (Fair.) Don’t panic; don’t break up afterwards. Just don’t. Force yourself to face the feelings you have in the moment. It may not feel super-great, but if you can handle those feelings — and you can ask those friends of yours for backup here — you can prove to yourself that you can get through it without heading for the door. You’ll feel stronger in the relationship and the connection between you and your girlfriend will be strengthened, too. Now that’s a fight that’s a winner.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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What part of your personality do you like to emphasize the most on a date? |
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5% |
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My sense of style |
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69% |
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My sense of humor |
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23% |
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My intelligence |
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3% |
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My vanity |
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