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Is her guy simply being passive, or actually taking advantage of her generosity? Lynn helps one woman understand what’s really going on.
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I have been dating a man for almost five months now. He is handsome, smart, funny, a good kisser, respectful and loving. He proudly calls me his girlfriend, tells his friends and family how wonderful I am, and talks about the future and marriage.
I have a few peeves, though: He has not given me any |  | | It would be great if he came over and shared time with me. |
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gifts although I’ve sent him cards and surprised him with special things to show him I’m thinking of him. He comments on how he loves the way I spoil him, but he has yet to reciprocate.
If I’m sick, he’ll call to see how I’m feeling but doesn’t come over. The only time we go out is if I have to do something and invite him to tag along. I live alone and it would be great if he came over and shared time with me, but that hasn’t been too often, even though he says he will. I’ve talked to him about this three times already.
Now, all these things may sound materialistic, but his lack of motivation is turning me off and making me think I’m wasting my time. Why is it that I can shower him with gifts and my time and he won’t return the favor?
I’ve brought this up and he is evasive and won’t give me a real answer. Is he just not into me, although he says he’s in love with me and wants a future with me?
— Tired of asking for answers
Dear Tired,
Honestly, Tired, this could go either way. The biggies seem to be there: he’s “respectful” and “loving,” unafraid of using either the G-word or the M-word. So, we could say, maybe he’s a little | | | Ultimately, it’s up to you and your personal style. | |
gift-impaired, a bit of a homebody. In a relationship, there’s always something that bugs you; maybe these things you’re writing me about are that something, and you’d find that you can live with them.
Then again, I think you’re correct to call them issues of “motivation” rather than materialism. “Should” he be moving mountains to be with you, or moving mountains of money to shower you with trinkets? Yes, in a sense; at the very least, he should be showing you his love and affection and commitment in his own way. But his own way, from what you’ve described, seems to be on the passive side. For the record, that would annoy me, too. But it sounds like a matter of personal style rather than your guy simply being a terrible boyfriend. Most importantly, you can discuss all you want, and he can make some adjustments if he’s motivated, but he’s not likely to change his basic wiring.
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your personal style. Know that this issue, in some essential form, will likely persist. Can you live with that? It’s not about being a doormat, it’s about working together to improve the relationship while accepting each other for who you are. Speaking of motivation: if you are motivated to do that, with this guy, then you’re golden. But if not, you are within your rights to look for someone who seems prepared to dote on you into your dotage. That guy may not be a better guy than this one, but he may be a better match for you. Just remember, as I think you do, that “gifts” come in many, many forms.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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How would you feel about your date using a Groupon (or some other discount deal) to pay for your date? |
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14% |
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Mortified that the other person seems so cheap |
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35% |
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I really don’t care one way or the other |
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51% |
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Totally support it… after all, dating is expensive! |
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