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He broke up with her, but still treats her like his girlfriend when they run into each other. Why?
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I am having serious issues with my ex. He broke up with me three or four weeks ago for reasons that don’t add up, and his behavior since then is making me question everything.
The Monday after we broke up he took me out to dinner because he “wanted to see me.” He held my |  | | He said he still loves and misses me. I got mad and left. |
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hand and when I asked why he ended things, he said he just wasn’t “into it” any more, that he just didn’t feel it was right. He also said he still loves and misses me. I got mad and left.
When I run into him at bars, he hugs me and rubs my back and acts like we never broke up. I told him we should hang out and he agreed; we ended up kissing and things got weird. I asked what was going on and he replied, “I don’t know.” I asked if he wanted me back and he said that he still misses me and loves me, but he couldn’t take me back right now—maybe in the future, but he doesn’t know. He said that he didn’t want the relationship when it started but his feelings changed. He also said that if he had stayed with me longer he would have had to make a bigger commitment and he wasn’t ready for that. Apparently the times he misses me and thinks he made a mistake don’t outweigh his belief that he made the right choice.
What does this all mean? He is giving me mixed signals and I can’t figure out why we broke up or if we’re going to get back together. I am so confused.
– Rubbed The Wrong Way
Dear Rubbed Wrong,
These are wobbly times for everyone. While the presidential election offered some people enormous hope, the actual transition and path to change remains fraught with uncertainty. The economy is… well, you know. And during such times, we may have trouble making life decisions—and sticking to them. Whether it’s wise or not, we may try to escape or avoid the unknown by grasping, if shakily, at what we already know. When given a choice between feeling totally alone and feeling we have somebody to lean on, we’ll probably take the latter.
Breakups — in this context and in general — fit this pattern. In fact, mixed feelings go with the territory. They’re natural, they’re normal. It’s completely understandable for someone to think, alternately, “can’t live with her” and “can’t live without her”—at the same time. Bottom line, heaven forbid you | | | No more dinners, no more ‘hanging out,’ no more backrubs in bars. | |
would date someone for any length of time you wouldn’t even miss afterwards. I understand why people would feel (and behave) the way your ex is right now.
However, your ex is also affecting your emotional stability. It is okay to have mixed feelings about an ex; it is not okay to send mixed messages to that person. It’s painful and confusing for you, obviously; it’s also selfish, since it doesn’t let either of you heal or move on.
So the question really isn’t whether or not you’re going to get back together. The way you put it makes it sound like the universe, or at least your ex, is going to decide and then let you know—like you have no voice here whatsoever. Face it: No matter how much he’s sugar-coated these interactions with you, he’s been pretty clear that he’s not actually pursuing any kind of reconciliation.
The real question is how long can you take this and when you plan to say to him, “Look, if you broke up with me, you need to take responsibility for the decision. No more dinners, no more ‘hanging out,’ no more backrubs in bars. If you find you can’t take being without me, then should we have a serious talk about what went wrong and how we can fix it. Otherwise let’s please decide who, in a temporary post-breakup arrangement, gets to ‘have custody’ of which bar. It’s too hard for me right now to run into you and talk about an ‘us’ that doesn’t exist. You need to work this stuff out on your own. If you make a decision I should know about, you know where to find me.”
Okay? These may be weird, transitional times, but when it comes to you, your needs, and your heart, you are commander-in-chief.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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How do you go from email to first dates? |
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47% |
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I try a phone call first, to gauge chemistry |
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21% |
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Instant messaging! The phone can be too awkward |
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33% |
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Easily, and it's best to meet as soon as possible |
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