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Her boyfriend acts like he’s still living the single life. What should she do?
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I’ve always been one to date older men, but for once, I’m now seeing someone a year younger than me. I’m only 22, so I didn’t see this as a big deal at first, but his immaturity is starting to become an issue and I don’t know if I can wait for him to grow up.
We both got out of long, pointless, loveless relationships a few months ago. When we’re together, just the two of us, it’s fireworks all the way. He’s |  | | I love him and want to make him a permanent part of my life. |
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absolutely sweet, attentive, affectionate and mature.
Ultimately, though, it seems to me that he’d rather be single and go out with his friends. Why? Because he basically ignores me when he’s out with them—that’s IF he’s invited me to come along in the first place.
I call him out on his friend-time behavior, he says that when he’s with his friends, he simply likes to be with his friends—and that it’s nothing personal. I think it’s selfish. I love him and want to make him a permanent part of my life, and he says he wants the same... just not right now. I know immaturity doesn’t last forever, but am I waiting around for something that’s never going to come?
– Sick of seeing both sides
Dear Sick,
I can see your frustration. It’s totally normal to want to feel like you’re part of his life—his whole life: his girlfriend life, his friend life, the works. And it’s totally understandable to feel huffy when ignored, or not even invited in the first place.
Still, I’m not convinced that what we have here is more than a matter of slightly underdeveloped social graces. In other words, seems to me that your | | | Couples should have social lives apart from each other. | |
boyfriend is basically just not excellent at being both his Boyfriend self and his Buddy self at the same time. Hey, this doesn’t come easy for everyone. Think about a time when, say, you brought an old camp friend along with a bunch of your current friends. You might have been able to weave them all into the conversation, but I’ll bet it took some work. Well, it’s kind of like that. But probably harder—especially if you’re already well aware that your camp friend is sensitive about such things. Know what I’m saying?
I’m getting most of my evidence from what you say when you answer what would have been my most important question: how does he treat you one-on-one? “It’s fireworks all the way,” you say? There you go. Integrating you into the rest of his social life: It’s something to work toward, for sure. But to me, the way things are now hardly constitutes a deal breaker.
Especially when you consider that couples should have social lives apart from each other. You should not expect to be invited along every time. This does not mean that when you’re not invited to Off-Track Betting or quilting or whatever it is that they do, you should sit home alone, being all “understanding” and stuff. It means that you should have your own friends and posses and plans, too. This, I am telling you, is a sign of healthiness, not immaturity. Explore this balance in your relationship, and you’ll really see some fireworks.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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How would you feel about your date using a Groupon (or some other discount deal) to pay for your date? |
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13% |
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Mortified that the other person seems so cheap |
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35% |
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I really don’t care one way or the other |
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52% |
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Totally support it… after all, dating is expensive! |
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