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What’s a guy to do? His girlfriend doesn’t want them to spend any time apart.
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
My girlfriend is pregnant with our first child. The problem I have is that she sometimes seems to be attached to me at the hip. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy spending time with her. In fact, time with her takes priority over anybody else in my life. I work a lot, and I understand that she wants to take advantage of every possible moment with me while I’m at home, but sometimes I’d like to have “me” time. While I’m at work she gets to have her own time, to spend time with her family and friends, or to just be alone.
I don’t think she’s so much clingy as she is unaware of what little “me” time I have in the first place. I can’t go anywhere alone — not to get a beer with |  | | I can't go anywhere alone without her getting upset. |
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friends, see my mom or buy a pair of shoes — without her getting upset. She always wants to be right there with me.
How do I tell her that sometimes I’d like to just do my own thing, if only for an hour, without making her think that I don’t want to spend time with her? It’s getting to the point where I just tell her that I’m leaving and I’ll be right back — or leave without saying anything at all. That really upsets her, but it’s the only way I can get a few minutes alone. I think this is only going to get worse when the baby comes. What should I do?
— Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
Congratulations on the impending arrival! Yes, you are definitely entitled to some “me” time — and, yes, you’d better bank it up now. Heh. Those littler and littler moments of “me” become all the more essential when the baby shows up.
I don’t think the problem is that she is “unaware” of how little “me” time you have, however. The problem is that her behavior, from the way you describe it, is excessively possessive. And, yes, clingy. Her demands, while unreasonable, are — to some degree — understandable. After all, she is pregnant. You are the father. She may be feeling naturally anxious and grabby. Ostensibly, she wants you around, now and when the baby comes. For whatever reason, she doesn’t get that “letting” you go out for a beer doesn’t mean letting you go.
The other problem (as you seem to realize) is that you are not dealing with it well. | | | She wants you around, now and when the baby comes. | |
You are leaving — and leaving her — in silence; you are writing
to me instead of talking to her. How do you tell her that sometimes you’d like to just do your own thing, and that that doesn’t mean you don’t want to spend time with her? Try something like, “Honey, sometimes I just need to do my own thing. It truly doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.” And: “You do your own thing a lot of the time, while I’m at work. I need the same thing for myself. I will be that much more present when I am with you if I can hang out with my mom or my friends sometimes.” Also: “Please do not worry that I will bail on you when the baby comes. I won’t.”
Perhaps it would be less challenging to her for you not to ask for more “me” time in general, but to address one particular opportunity at a time. I do anticipate that if she “lets” you go out once, she’ll see that the world did not come to an end when she did (and, more to the point, you did come home). That one solo outing could, therefore, lead to the next.
See how it goes. Check in with her; reassure her, but stay firm in stating your needs. This is one of possibly many instances where you two are going to have to figure out how to meet halfway. If not for your sake (you know where this is going), then for the sake of your child. Because again, when he or she comes, there’s going to be a whole lot less “me” to go around in the first place.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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How do you go from email to first dates? |
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47% |
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I try a phone call first, to gauge chemistry |
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21% |
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Instant messaging! The phone can be too awkward |
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33% |
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Easily, and it's best to meet as soon as possible |
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