Guys, here’s a little hint: You may think
that being aggressive in your romantic pursuits will have women falling at your feet, but guess what? Push it too far, and you’re more likely to see her three-inch heels running in the opposite direction. Why? Blame it on our gentler personalities, or the fact that we have less testosterone running through our veins. But the bottom line is that coming on too strong can kill your chances of winning women over. So, how can you tell if you should curb your enthusiasm a little? Here are some of the top mistakes men make that sabotage their chances of hearing women say “yes” to another date — and some better ways to win our affection by taking a slightly different approach.
Turn-off #1: You overloaded her with date invites and messages via phone/text/email
Flooding your new interest with technological messages begging for a date is a definite don’t
. “I went out with this guy one time, but after our first meeting, it was call, call, email, call, text, call, email, text... and to be honest, it really freaked me out,” says Jennifer, 33, from Dallas, TX. “It was just so desperate and needy that I had no desire to ever go out with him again!”
A better option:
“If you suffocate her with phone calls/texts/emails too soon, her response is likely going to be ‘Get the heck away from me!’” says David Wygant, dating coach and author of Always Talk to Strangers.
The best way to gauge what amount of communication is appropriate is to ask yourself these questions:
1. Is your message necessary to set up or confirm plans?
If so, you are fine to proceed.
2. Does she respond to your communications quickly?
That’s also a green light. If she doesn’t respond or it takes her a little while to do so, lay off for a bit.
3. Has it been more than three days since you’ve been in touch?
At that point, it’ll seem sweet — not creepy — to send her a quick message, like: “How are you doing? How was your day?”
Turn-off #2: Premature weekend getaway/vacation planning
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Mentioning that you want to take her out of town for the weekend may seem romantic, but if you say it too early on, it’ll be interpreted by her as “I want to get in your pants as soon as possible.” I remember when a date once mentioned how much he wanted to take me to Italy within about 15 minutes of our first sip of coffee together... needless to say, he never got the chance to travel with me.
A better option:
We’re not saying you can’t
talk about places you’d like to go with her someday; just don’t use the word “we” while doing it. “I’ve always wanted to go to Italy and plan on seeing Tuscany this summer” is a nice, light topic for conversation. “Wouldn’t it be great if we went to Tuscany this summer?” is decidedly not
. And if she does mention a few places she’d love to go one day, silently file that information away for future reference. Then, after you have been seeing each other exclusively for a month or two, you can spring the idea on her of traveling together without setting off any red flags.
Turn-off #3: Gratuitous money talk/flaunting your wealth that implies you see her as another object to add to your collection
You’ve worked hard for your money, and you’re proud of it. Good for you! But keep it quiet, or else you risk implying your lovely date is just another object you’d like to collect. “If a guy starts bragging about what he earns too fast, he has about three minutes to show me he has any other kind of depth or he’s gone,” says Kristen, 24, from New Brunswick, NJ. Whipping out your bottom line too soon will make many women think you’re trying to imply that they’re nothing but “gold diggers.”
A better option:
Instead of trying to win someone over with your impressive pay stub, try to impress her with your personality or interests instead. “Talk about things that you like to do, not all the things that you can buy,” asserts Wygant. “Spend more time focusing on the book you just read or talking about an activity you enjoy doing instead of the $20,000 vacation you recently took or the customized Tesla you just ordered.” The most important thing for most women sincerely looking for a relationship early on is to determine if you two are compatible on a non-financial level by sharing similar values, lifestyles and relationship goals.
Turn-off #4: Being overly eager to the point that it sounds like you’re begging her to like you/go out with you again
Some guys are so worried about sealing the deal that they kill any chance they have by trying too hard from the get-go. “There was this guy who kept saying during our date, ‘When are we going out again? When? When?
’ But it was maybe mid-bite on our first date,” says Jenny, 33, from New York City. “Then he went on to say things like, ‘I just really want to get to know you.’ He never got the chance because I felt so pressured!” Putting a woman on the spot is never a good move. Other over-eager questions to avoid on the first couple of dates include: “Are you having fun?” and “Aren’t we cute together?”
A better option:
Instead of practically begging a woman to like you or agree to date #2, invite her interest and then leave the door open for her to follow through. “If things have gone well, you can suggest something like, ‘Wow, I’m impressed that you love jazz, too. And you know what, there is a jazz concert in the park this weekend — we should go!” says Wygant. “If she’s interested then she’ll pick up on the hint, but you have to let the woman determine whether or not you fit with her preferences.” Trying to force your way into romance will only convince her that you’re definitely not a good match.
Turn-off #5: Staging a surprise visit when she isn’t expecting you
You’ve gone out a couple times with this woman, and you really like her… so you decide to drop by her workplace unannounced or surprise her by showing up at her place some morning with a bouquet flowers. Guess what? You just shot yourself in the foot. “There are no pop-ins allowed until you are in an extremely committed romantic relationship together,” warns Wygant. “Don’t ever break the boundaries and invade her personal space until you are invited to do so.”
A better option:
You’ve been given the green light as soon as she starts calling you and saying things like, “I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you today. I can’t wait to see you. When are you coming over?” Only then do you know for sure that you have permission to surprise her, because she’ll actually be happy to see you. “You have to be on this wavelength before you can do a drive-by and not have her think, ‘Who is
this guy in my office?’” says Wygant. “It’s all about the cues — always take them from her.”
Turn-off #6: Dropping serious “future” plans on her too soon
Maybe you do want a wife and kids, but letting your date in on your plans before you even know each other’s middle names is hardly a good move. “I went out with this guy who immediately started telling me that he could picture us together forever and had a vision of me in the kitchen with our toddlers running around,” says Carey, 28, from Nashville, TN. “Sure, I want to find someone and maybe have a family someday, but don’t plan out ‘our future’ during our first dinner date!” Same thing goes for saying you want her to meet your parents, brother, sister, aunt, etc., right away. You know that if a woman tried that, you’d go screaming in the opposite direction. Guess what? The same rules apply for men, too!
A better option:
Feel free to tell someone you’re looking for a committed relationship on a first date, but that’s it! Don’t elaborate. Otherwise, you might appear desperate. “Women can tell whether you’re looking at them as a real person or if you’re just seeing them as a female stand-in who you can fit into your fantasy life,” says Wygant. “Even if marriage and kids really is your goal, you need to learn more about and enjoy spending time with someone for the first couple of months without ever bringing it up.” Take your time, enjoy the process, and don’t try to predict the future... or you may not be in hers.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann (www.KDNeumann.com) is a popular New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in such publications as
Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Redbook, Maxim and frequently online. A certified dating/relationship coach, she’s published The Real Reasons Men Commit and is the founder of www.DatingDivaDaily.com.
Article courtesy of Match.com