Whether you’re single or in a relationship, Lewis Black — The Daily Show’s resident rant-monger and author of I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas — wants to assure you that the holiday season is difficult… for everybody. Here, we get the funnyman’s advice on dating, gift-giving and dealing with your family and in our exclusive Q&A session.
Q: What’s the best way to shut down an annoying relative who always asks you during dinner when you’re going to meet someone?
A: Tell that person you’ve been neutered.
Q: What’s the worst thing about being single during the holidays?
A: You can reach a nearly psychotic vulnerability, as you are alone. It’s a family holiday, and you are left wondering why you don’t have a family of your own.
Q: Are there any hidden benefits that arise from being single during the holidays?
A: You don’t have a family of your own to worry about. You don’t have to deal with that pressure, which can be immense. I have seen it in action!
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Q: Any advice on where to meet other single people during the holidays?
A: This is the worst time to go out and meet other single people because you are emotionally vulnerable.
Q: What is an appropriate gift to give someone if you’ve only been dating for a few weeks?
A: Something simple that he or she might actually need, like cheese or wine.
Q: And what is inappropriate for a gift?
A: Jewelry; don’t be an idiot!
Q: Any advice for introducing your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your insane relatives?
A: Yeah — don’t. Wait until the relationship isn’t new before introducing anybody.
Q: What should you bring if you are invited to your new guy or girl’s parents’ house?
A: Flowers are appropriate. Keep it simple; for example, I think a shotgun (or a portrait of yourself) would be inappropriate.
Q: If you are dating someone who has kids, is this a good time to try to buy their affection?
A: Not in this economy.
Q: Is the company holiday party a good time to finally make your feelings for a coworker known?
A: Only if you don’t throw up after you do!
Q: What’s the most romantic holiday moment you’ve ever had?
A: What?! Really? You’re asking me that? As close as I have come to something that could be considered “romantic” is when the father of my girlfriend sat up and drank scotch with me into the early hours. I thought to myself: This relationship may not work out, but he’d make a great father-in-law.
Q: If you could boil it down to just one sentence, what would people learn from reading your book about the holiday season?
A: Learn to be happy alone first before you go out searching for a mate.